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Wild Scenes As Verdict Announced

Celebrations have broken out in Melbourne Prison following the acquittal of a man accused of manslaughter in the Western Plains Goldfields. High profile Western Plains lawyer Ron Fustaigne JP (rtd) successfully argued that his client was harmlessly chasing a 14 year old boy down a gravel track in his four wheel drive when the boy deliberately threw himself under the wheels of the vehicle in a manner designed to cause maximum emotional distress to the driver.

Experts say this is good news for the Melbourne man accused of causing the deaths of six people by deliberately driving his car into Bourke Street Mall earlier this year.

Speaking from his offices in the public bar of the Grand Hotel in Liebig Street Fustaigne said he was confident of securing an acquittal for the Melbourne accused.

‘Obviously some of the circumstances are different’ said Fustaigne ‘But under Western Plains complex legal system, if you can convince the jury that the victim was an Aboriginal then the jury has no choice but to acquit you’.

 

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RIP Elijah

 

Police account of taser death ‘fair enough’ says lawyer

The lawyer representing the family of a man who was tasered to death by police in Western Plains has described claims that the responding officer feared for his lunch break as ‘entirely reasonable given the circumstances’.

Transcripts released this morning have revealed that the Western Plains Tactical Response Unit was called out at 11.49 after an indigenous man was seen leaving the newsagents in Liebig Street with a packet of potato crisps that he may not have paid for. Twenty minutes later he was dead.

Ron Fustaigne JP (rtd) says that he accepts police accounts that they were dealing with an emergency.

What the tapes reveal

Officer: Janine, is that you sweetheart?
Operator: What do you want arsehole?
Officer: I love it when you talk dirty.
Operator: Get to the feckin point.
Officer: Ha ha. I’ve got some cunt here requiring urgent medical attention.
Operator: Have you tasered someone again?
Officer: (Pause) Maybe. Look, it’s urgent. I’m supposed to go on my break at half past.
Operator: You’re all heart.

Western Plains Doctor Recognised in Queen’s Award

Local GP and Australia’s leading pie surgeon, Dr Ron Slutty has been recognised for his ground-breaking work in the medical use of lemon meringue pie. After graduating from Western Plains Technical College and Smash Repair Shop, Dr Slutty was first employed as an intern at the Grand Hotel in Liebig Street where he began working eventually. It is believed that around this time Dr Slutty began experimenting in the use of confectionary to treat his low blood sugar, his low cholesterol and his low self-esteem. However it wasn’t until he joined the Catering Department at Western Plains Zoo and Royal Infirmary that he achieved the breakthrough that was to set him on the road to fame and fortune. Dr Slutty’s revolutionary use of lemon meringue pie as a cure for anything that was troubling him at the time has been hailed as [read more…]

 

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Dr Slutty seen here administering a dose of lemon meringue pie to a patient

 

Revealing Look at the Early Years of Western Plains Swimming Baths

Men bathing in the nude was an everyday sight in Western Plains in the late 20th century according to the president of Western Plains Historical Society, the Right Reverend Cardinal John Slutty.

 

Western Plains Swimming Baths

Western Plains Swimming Baths attracted clergymen from all over Australia

“The fact is that houses didn’t have their own bathrooms back then. Or an internet connection. So if you had an interest in the pastoral care of naked young boys you had no choice but to visit Western Plains Swimming Baths. Or become a priest” he explained.
Cardinal Slutty says people at that time believed watching young men bathing in the buff had ‘invigorating qualities’. Whether the claim is sound or not, clergymen from all over Australia flocked to Western Plains drawn by the opportunity to rub soap on each other.
It was around this time too that Western Plains’ saw some of its most impressive erections. One of the town’s most iconic buildings, the Grand Hotel, or as it was known at that time, the Paedophile Palace opened in April 1980 only to be closed down again in May 1980.

 

 

Young Cardinal Pell

Cardinal Slutty says bathers in Western Plains helped break down gender traditions. In this picture he is seen wearing a woman’s swimming costume from the 1890s, or an Australian priest’s costume from the 1980s.

 

Author says he has been hurt and humiliated

The Member for Western Plains and Australia’s leading expert on nutrition and internet dating, Ron Slutty has slammed the “hurtful and humiliating” comments made about him by professional feminist Ms Roxie Fustaigne.
Mr Slutty was supposed to be launching his autobiography Slim, My Chances of Getting a Date With a Woman at the Grand Hotel in Liebig Street this week.
However the launch was overshadowed by comments made by Ms Fustaigne in a press release spruiking her weekly podcast on Western Plains Wireless. In the release Ms Fustaigne described Mr Slutty as a fat Scottish bastard who liked a drink and that a lot of the time she wondered what the hell he was saying.
Ms Fustaigne says she now accepts that her choice of words was inappropriate and she recognises that Mr Slutty is of course Irish.

 

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Professor Fustaigne has apologised unreservedly: I know how hurtful it is to be mistaken for a thin Scotsman she said.

 

 

Why Latest Provocation Will Not Stand

By Editor in Chief, John Fustaigne
In my long career as a journalist reporting from some of Western Plains most dangerous bars, I have seen many acts intended simply to provoke a reaction in others. However even I was shocked by the scenes we witnessed on Liebig Street last Saturday.
What we saw was in excess of 50 young men running through crowds, taunting bystanders, provoking others, getting in people’s faces and recording everything that the Police were doing and saying on their latest model iphones.
Now call me old-fashioned if you will, but what kind of sick demented bastard takes his mobile phone to a violent brawl?
Back in my day we used to carry filo-faxes to taunt and provoke people and I for one [contd on folio 93]

 

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The distinctive bulge of the 7″ Finchley: guaranteed to provoke a reaction

 

 

Find a Friend in Western Plains

Following a spate of violent incidents that observers believe may be gang related, Western Plains Police have added several new innovative features to their Facebook Page. These include:

+ Add Friend / – Remove Friend

Respond to Friend Request / Respond to Friend Last Request

Remember Friend / Dismember Friend

Search for Friends / Search for Missing Persons

Click Here for Messenger / Click Here for Undertaker

 

shallow grave

Police say discovery of grave may be related to recent deaths in the area