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Disabled diva gives virtuoso public performance

Despite suffering from a disability that would have daunted most people, local diva and banker Dame Kiri Ti Slutti continues to wow audiences with her outrageous public performances in front of the Banking Royal Commission.

Stricken with a rare sensory disorder since she found out she had it, Slutti is unable to distinguish between people who are alive and people who have been dead for 7 years.

 

Whilst this might have proved a bit of a handicap in most careers, in banking it is regarded as a big plus.

 

It was revealed this week that shortly after joining the Bank of Western Plains 10 years ago, Slutti introduced a Financial Advice Charge for all customers whether they received the advice or not, and irrespective of whether they were alive or not.

 

‘In fact we preferred dead customers at the Bank of Western Plains’ says Slutti ‘They were much less likely to complain.’

 

‘Not that we would have given a ratsarse even if they did’ she added.

 

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New proposals to address crowd trouble at games involving Atletico Western Plains

The boss of Atletico Western Plains, ‘Fat Sam’ Fustaigne, has admitted that the club has had a lot of trouble attracting a crowd this season.

He hopes that the proposal to introduce safe sleeping areas where supporters can have a quiet nap during games will encourage fans back to Baron Park.

‘We’re looking particularly at the retirees’ market,’ he said ‘And not just for players either.’

Critics fear that the proposal could turn the club into a laughing stock, however a spokesperson for the club’s football supporters’ trust has rejected the allegation.

‘The players are doing that already’ he said.

 

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The famous ‘grey wall’ of support at Baron Park

 

Cuba ponders uncertain future with new head of state

Writes Brooke Fustaigne in the Havanna Lounge
Cubans have long believed that having an unelected head of state from the same family is a good thing.
However fears are growing in the island state about what will happen when the Queen of England finally decides to step down.
The man likely to take over is rumoured to hold even more left wing views than Fidel Castro.
Many Cubans are now starting to think that the monarchy is an anachronistic relic from the feudal era and that the time has come for it to be abolished.
However supporters of the Windsor Dynasty say this is laughable as the succession process is fully supervised by the Privy Council, a formal body of advisers who might not have been elected either, but [read more…]

Are you pronouncing Iceholes correctly?

The controversy that erupted this week concerning the correct pronunciation of words in the Western Plains dialect goes back further than most people realise.
Almost as soon as the name for the rock formation outside Western Plains was first coined by European settlers, there was disagreement over the correct pronunciation of Iceholes.
In one view, the first syllable rhymed with Western Plains’ culinary delicacy, the ‘poy’. In another the first syllable resembled the vowel sounds in Western Plains’ term for a friend, ‘myte’.
This chaotic state of affairs so worried the Western Plains public that many of them sent tedious letters about it to the Western Herald.
‘Both pronunciations are wrong’ wrote the Reverend Sanktimonius Kant in 1883. ‘The truth is that the whole word resembles the vowel sounds in the Western Plains word for husbands.’

Video shows players snorting outside night spot

Two players at Atletico Western Plains FC have been captured on CCTV passing around a white paper, snorting and laughing outside the Grand Hotel in Liebig Street.
According to a statement of facts, the paper was later examined and found to contain traces of fustaigne.
Under Western Plains complex legal system, the possession and supply of fustaigne is not illegal, but much of it is considered offensive.
A legal spokesperson said the players had learned their lesson.
‘The boys had just played a really big game for Atletico and were obviously still under the influence of drink and drugs when they were induced to try reading a few lines of fustaigne,’ he said ‘I don’t think they will be doing that again.’

Can you ace the Western Herald’s writing test?

One of the world’s leading education experts nearly says that writing tests at the Western Herald are absurd, bizarre and quite difficult even.

Les Fustaigne, Professor of Social Media at Western Plains School of Journalism has completed a review of the writing test that all cadets must complete at the end of their first year and his conclusions are incongruous isn’t it but.

‘OMG’ he tweeted ‘It is like one of the sickest writing tests what I have ever seen in my whole life actually.’

The Prof’s criticism literally centres on the weight given to the random use of adverbs over the use of TLAs.

‘FFS’ he said ‘True IMO’.

So how can I get top marks in the Western Herald writing test?

Always pose a question in the heading

Key Points

  • Have a list of key points at the end
  • Can you ace the Western Herald’s writing test? (you’ve done this bit – Ed)

 

‘Walking’ no longer appropriate in cricket says new research

Cricket officials should wait to see if they are given the benefit of the doubt rather than walk from their position even if they believe they have been caught out doing nothing, according to new research that has just been urgently commissioned by Western Plains Cricket Club.

The news has been welcomed by the CEO, Don ‘The Don’ Fustaigne who has run the Club for the past 17 years without noticing that there was anything wrong with the culture.

Don insists that he will not walk, despite everyone asking him to leave.

‘It’s not his style to walk, just the reverse in fact’ says local member Ron Slutty.

‘Don’s got character. When things go wrong he blames someone else’ he says.