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Author says he has been hurt and humiliated

The Member for Western Plains and Australia’s leading expert on nutrition and internet dating, Ron Slutty has slammed the “hurtful and humiliating” comments made about him by professional feminist Ms Roxie Fustaigne.
Mr Slutty was supposed to be launching his autobiography Slim, My Chances of Getting a Date With a Woman at the Grand Hotel in Liebig Street this week.
However the launch was overshadowed by comments made by Ms Fustaigne in a press release spruiking her weekly podcast on Western Plains Wireless. In the release Ms Fustaigne described Mr Slutty as a fat Scottish bastard who liked a drink and that a lot of the time she wondered what the hell he was saying.
Ms Fustaigne says she now accepts that her choice of words was inappropriate and she recognises that Mr Slutty is of course Irish.

 

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Professor Fustaigne has apologised unreservedly: I know how hurtful it is to be mistaken for a thin Scotsman she said.

 

 

Why Latest Provocation Will Not Stand

By Editor in Chief, John Fustaigne
In my long career as a journalist reporting from some of Western Plains most dangerous bars, I have seen many acts intended simply to provoke a reaction in others. However even I was shocked by the scenes we witnessed on Liebig Street last Saturday.
What we saw was in excess of 50 young men running through crowds, taunting bystanders, provoking others, getting in people’s faces and recording everything that the Police were doing and saying on their latest model iphones.
Now call me old-fashioned if you will, but what kind of sick demented bastard takes his mobile phone to a violent brawl?
Back in my day we used to carry filo-faxes to taunt and provoke people and I for one [contd on folio 93]

 

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The distinctive bulge of the 7″ Finchley: guaranteed to provoke a reaction

 

 

Find a Friend in Western Plains

Following a spate of violent incidents that observers believe may be gang related, Western Plains Police have added several new innovative features to their Facebook Page. These include:

+ Add Friend / – Remove Friend

Respond to Friend Request / Respond to Friend Last Request

Remember Friend / Dismember Friend

Search for Friends / Search for Missing Persons

Click Here for Messenger / Click Here for Undertaker

 

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Police say discovery of grave may be related to recent deaths in the area

 

Shooting not, a tragedy say WP Police

Western Plains Police have offered counselling services to local officers traumatised by the failure of their counterparts in New York to shoot a man of colour who allegedly yelled ‘Shoot me!’ after mowing down dozens of pedestrians in Times Square.

‘This is tragedy’, said a police spokesperson. ‘You wait years for some cunt requiring police assistance to come along and then this happens. I don’t know why they even bother giving us guns sometimes’,  he said.

Investigators are examining links between events in New York and an incident in Western Plains only 10 days ago when an Aboriginal man who police allege had beaten himself up before they got there, died after being tasered. However the Mayor of Western Plains Mario Fustaigne has said there is no similarity between them. ‘I can reassure the public that at this stage there is not the slightest indication that the man in New York had stolen a packet of crisps from the newsagents’, he said.

 

Shooting Tragedy

Police have accused the deceased man of requiring assistance

 

 

 

Who are the candidates in Western Plehran El-ection?

All you needed to know about the candidates bidding to become the next Bignob of Western Plehran.

Under Western Plehran’s complex electoral system, absolutely anyone can nominate for election, but not everyone is allowed to stand for election.  All nominees must first be assessed by the powerful Shaqira Council for their perceived loyalty to the regime and their adherence to fundamental principles.  People who are loyal to the regime are in: people who adhere to principles are out.  Also being a woman is out [maybe you could work this into your story a bit earlier – ed].
Jahan Fustani, moderate hard-line reformer
A former pilot in the Plehranian Airforce, Fustani received the country’s highest award for bravery when his squadron of hand-woven Persian Carpets took out a whole showroom of much heavier Axminster Bombers during the War.  Served as Lord High Executioner under former president, Hangam Anfloggam.

Eerzah Palaver, reform minded, hard-line conservative
Minister for Corrective Services and Waste Disposal, Palaver is credited with reducing chronic over-crowding in the nation’s prisons and contributing to chronic overcrowding in the nation’s graveyards. Analysts say he may just be standing to secure a promotion after the election as he knows where the skeletons are buried. Literally.

Sheikh Rattel Anrohl, tone-deaf, hard-liner
Western Plehran’s most popular muezzin, his smash hit ‘And I Ran’ is played up to five times a day on PlehranianRadio. Muezzins are usually selected for their ability to recite the entire Duran Duran back catalogue beautifully, melodiously and loudly. Anrohl was selected after the other candidate mysteriously fell out the minaret.

Rhon Slutteh, hard-line moderate reformer
The current Vice-King of Western Plehran, Slutteh is often described as incompetent rather than anything else. Wears a black turban, distinctive flowing robes and ladies’ underwear from Victoria’s Secret. Supporters say he is being groomed by members of the old generation for succession. Critics say he has been grooming members of the young generation for seduction.

Briadier Khrush Al-Dissente, caring, supportive, progressive
Vegetarian, tee-total, and main hope of Plehranian feminists, Al-Dissente is one of Western Plehran’s best loved characters. The main driver behind mass execution of political opponents in 1988, but in a caring, supportive sort of a way, Al-Dissente’s father was a respected fatwa and an alcoholic schizophrenic. He fondly remembers beating his children, or at least someone did, every night.

Don Al-Trumpeh, unpredictable, unstable, loose cannon
Has impeccable presidential credentials having served as property speculator in down town Western Plehran for several years, Al-Trumpeh has promised to build [click here for more candidates]

 

 

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Plehranians go to the polls this weekend in what is being widely seen as a test of people’s understanding of what a free and fair election is.

 

 

Wedding Tackle Moves Bride to Tears

Confronting footage has emerged of a wedding party in Wusturn Plins that turned ugly. It was supposed to be the wedding of the year when Angelina and Brad finally tied the knot. And things were going well according to eyewitnesses: the groomsmen were happily having a ‘scrum’ during the wedding ceremony when suddenly someone overheard the vicar say something about ‘forsaking all others’. Brad’s best man, Trev, was moved to remind Brad about the happy times they had spent together playing ‘rugger’ in the bottom paddock. At first the bride was a little upset. She had always known about Brad’s ‘other wife’, but she had hoped that in time and given the right sort of encouragement, Brad would mend his ways. She didn’t even mind when one of the bridesmaids also accused Brad of posting nude photographs of her on the internet. However the bride’s mood changed from dismay to outright fury when more and more of Brad’s other wives stepped forward to reveal (in graphic detail) that Brad had done more than experiment with a little jiggery pokery in the scrum, but that he had always been a back rower and what’s more, he enjoyed it. Fortunately Brad recognised the truth about himself just in time. He reassured his chums that rugger would always be his first love and that getting married wouldn’t change a thing. Angelina was consoled by the bridesmaids then nipped out for a fag and was never seen in a size 10 dress again.

Cluck here to see the whole ugly busnuss

 

Teaching students that having ‘salad’ with their boyfriends three times a week is OK is just small step from invading Poland says MP

Western Plains MP Ron Slutty has blasted the Government’s ‘Healthy Living’ program saying it smacks of totalitarianism at its worst.
‘Even Hitler didn’t encourage people to eat more vegetables or go for a walk now and again,’ he said.
Dr Slutty was speaking after the release of a Government report suggesting that poor diet and lack of exercise may be causing some people to put on a little bit of extra weight.
‘Personally, I blame too much oral sex’ said Dr Slutty.

 

UUP nominations

Having the occasional frankfurter, a packet of chips, two cans of coke and a mars bar three times a day has never done me any harm says Slutty