After the great war, peace had broken out all over Europe. The French had declared friends with the Germans, the Dutch had declared friends with the Nicelanders and everyone was friends with everyone else on Facebook. It was Britain’s darkest hour.
This latest film from Fustaigne Productions based on a true yet completely fictional story tells how shiploads of money were miraculously evacuated from peoples’ pockets following the hard or soft exit from Europe, depending on how you look at it.
Prime Minister Nicole Chamberlain (played by Academy Award nominee Kylie Fustaigne, who never wins even though everyone knows actors from Western Plains are the best in the world) decides to send a horde of drunken day-trippers across the Channel with strict instructions to put an end to all this fraternizing and restore the natural order of things – ie all out war – as quickly as possible.
Within a very short time however, the barmy army found themselves surrounded on the beaches by other holidaymakers on exactly the same mission. Retreating indoors many members of the expeditionary force found themselves trapped by the beer-halls.
The tourists were forced to fall back to Tunnkirk On Sea, which was the only place they could get a decent cup of tea and a digestive biscuit.
The Scottish contingent, who had done so much of the fighting, wanted to stay on for one more drink, but they were outvoted and a decision was made to evacuate and let the Europeans get on with being nice to each other.
After the success of Dunkirk, Fustaigne Productions decided there was an easy quid to be made in people’s demand for revisionist nostalgia and [read more…]
Warning: Western Herald readers may not have read a blog as interesting as this before.*
This week in the Western Herald we’ll be exploring what it’s like to suddenly grow up and realise that your blog is of no interest to anyone.
Some bloggers may like to pretend it’s just a dry spell that they’re going through. Others may experience feelings of disappointment or confusion.
For the majority, of course, it may be a lifestyle choice. But that completely misses the point.
We’ll be meeting some of the people behind these blogs and asking, what’s it like to be terminally boring?
We’ll be discussing the good news – that people suffering from extreme dullness may be able to get jobs at the Western Herald.
But also the bad news – that other people will still not find you sexually attractive.
* At the Western Herald we pride ourselves on publishing fearless, independent, uninteresting blogs, submitted by anyone, regardless of race**, creed or sexual preference.
** Nicelanders excepted.
Local Member Ron Slutty says that telling people from Niceland they would not be welcome to visit The Iceholes in Western Plains does not make him a racist.
‘I am the least racist person in Western Plains’ he said.
So far, no-one has contradicted him.
Local member, Ron Slutty has mocked official advice issued by the Nicelandic Government for tourists to ‘avoid countries with iceholes’ when travelling overseas.
‘Thank you for your concern Niceland’ said Slutty ‘But here in Western Plains we are very proud of our Iceholes, so you can go and get stufffed’.
Slutty was of course referring to the strange rock formation just outside Western Plains known as ‘The Iceholes’.
A spokesperson for the Nicelandic Government subsequently issued an apology saying that the advice to travellers had been misquoted. He pinned the blame on a voice activated auto-translation device that the Nicelandic Government recently purchased from New Zealand.
‘We apologises most profusiously for our errors’ he said. ‘What we meant to say was: avoid countries with an icehole for president.’
By Sanktimonius Kant
The world will shortly face a severe shortage of orphans according to a new academic study released by Fustaigne Publishing. And our ignorance of the facts surrounding the issue is largely due to the number of academic studies on the subject. However some academics are now suggesting that many academic studies released by Fustaigne Publishing are not academic studies at all. What they now claim is that unscrupulous publishers, often national broadcasters, and often based in Western Plains, are targeting young people with limited experience of the real world. The young people are told that rich Western Plains couples who are desperate for lives of their own will want to read about what they did during their gap year and that they should document their overseas holiday in a ‘journal’. The journals are then collected and presented to the unsuspecting Western Plains public as academic studies whose authors have given them up for nothing. But in fact the awful truth is that journalists often get paid for their work. The national broadcasters make a profit on the deal by soliciting donations from well meaning but deluded governments. And I, for one, [read more academic studies here]
A fan of Scotland’s national drink (football team surely? – Ed) has been suspended for six months after being found guilty of fabricating claims that he played football at the highest level in Western Plains.
A spokesperson for the Western Plains Football Federation said the un-named player, Ronaldo Fustaigne, had played a series of unfriendly games against various teams which could hardly be described as football.
The group of useless fakers calling themselves Atletico Western Plains lost every game by double figures.
Atletico’s head coach, Jose Rigor-Mortise, defended his actions saying that the players were recruited through the usual procedures involving a man with a clipboard, a probation officer and Craig Foster.
‘Basically none of us knew anything about football before the season started,’ said Rigor-Mortis, ‘But we’ve learned a lot, and next year we definitely won’t be asking Craig Foster for any advice.’
Local member Ron Slutty has fired a broadside at China over its funding of useless infrastructure projects in the Pacific Region. Speaking exclusively to the Western Herald, Slutty said he was concerned that the application of a stringent economic benefits test could have dangerous implications for the funding of other useless projects, such as the proposed Western Plains Branch Line.
‘We don’t want to build another railway that goes nowhere,’ said Slutty, ‘We already have a line from Darwin to Alice Springs’.
Slutty was speaking after a Western Plains Chamber of Commerce business lunch to celebrate estimated expenditure on the National Broadband Network reaching the $50 billion mark. ‘Woo hoo!’ he said.