By a staff writer
Here at the Western Herald we often run stories about the strange goings-on in North Korea according to sources, even though the secretive and reclusive North Korean regime has so far refused to write any of their press releases in ‘strine’ and none of us in the office speaks a word of Korean. So where do these reports come from and what is the real meaning behind some of the colourful language used to describe events in the country?
According to sources
All of our reports are fully attributable as indicated by the phrase ‘according to sources’. These sources are all not for profit news agencies and can easily be found by doing a simple search on google.
Not for profit news agencies
Free lance bloggers fluent in colourful language
The mythical language that not for profit news agencies imagine might be spoken by North Koreans, full of ideological phrases.
This is a tricky one and we need some context here. When the mythical North Koreans describe the US as ‘imperialist aggressors’ they are clearly using ideological phrases. But when we describe North Korea as ‘a secretive and reclusive communist country’ we are not.
Secretive and reclusive
The nature of our work often requires journalists to use shorthand when we’re out reporting on complex geo-political situations that might otherwise require extensive background knowledge on the part of the reader or a bit of research by the writer. If you are a journalist and you don’t have any knowledge and can’t be bothered doing the research, it’s easier just to use the shorthand ‘secretive and reclusive’.
This is the Western Herald’s journalistic policy started by our supreme leader and editor in chief Jung Il-fustaigne as a way of doing as little as possible to fill up a page.
A not for profit news agency.
Will this do?
Local Member Ron Slutty has defended Western Plains Council’s radical decision to set up a multi-million dollar helpline in the town despite the service receiving no calls in the six months since it was launched.
The helpline was set up to provide help to people who can’t help helping themselves. It is run by an independent contractor, Slutty Security Services and is almost staffed every day.
Slutty says he expects the low volume of calls to increase following a gradual shift in the centre’s marketing emphasis. ‘By marketing the helpline as a counselling and advice service for former suicide bombers we may inadvertently have been limiting our appeal to a very small section of the community’ he said.
The wife of Western Herald’s Editor in Chief John Fustaigne has been completely cleared of any wrong doing in a landmark case brought by the Western Plains Communications and Media Commission.
Handing down his verdict, Commissioner Furphy said that Belle Fustaigne was guilty of engaging in a sustained campaign of misleading and deceptive conduct lasting over several pages. Furphy also said that Fustaigne had a relentless obsession with herself and was clearly suffering from some kind of delusion that what she was writing was of interest.
‘These are the qualities one might expect in a blogger’ said Furphy ‘Or a politician’.
Fustaigne has 60 days to fess up.
Staff at the Western Herald say they are working round the clock on a shitload of stuff that has been building up inside their heads for some time but they are hoping to have cleared by the end of the week.
The origin of the massive shitblog, covering an area from East London to Western Plains, remains a mystery. It is largely comprised of fake news reports, obscure historical references, offensive comments, some very bad language and even worse poetry.
John Fustaigne, Editor in Chief at the Western Herald says it just shows what happens when people put stuff down on their computer without thinking about it.
As part of an occasional series, the Western Herald is pleased to bring you these historical phographs of old Western Plains.
Pic 1. Horses have played a major part in the history of Western Plains, especially in the past. People were very proud of their animals in those days and good horse photographers were very much in demand.
Pic 2. Western Plains Railway Station was built during the golden age of rail and the concrete age of landscape gardening. The station probably brought much needed transport to the town.
Pic 3. During the gold rush thousands of men flocked to Western Plains hoping to strike it lucky with the topless barmaids at the Criterion Hotel.
Pic 4. The ruins of St Sebastian Church. St Sebastian used to be entered from round the back but then the Inquisition came along and put a stop to that sort of thing.
Pic 5. Western Plains Homestead was one of the finest buildings in the district until it was restored by Western Plains Council.
Pic 6. This fascinating photograph of Western Plains Library was taken shortly after it was knocked down to make way for the Zoo. Unfortunately there is no-one left in Western Plains who can remember what a library was.
The sisters of local member Ron Slutty have revealed that the late singing superstar George Michael once participated in a night of raucous karaoke with their brother at the Grand Hotel in Liebig Street.
It is believed that the sisters have decided to break their silence in order to head off more embarrassing revelations in Slutty’s tell-all book about his fascinating life as a swimming pool attendant, bush ranger, pie surgeon, MP and apparently a bit of a singer as well.
It is alleged that Michael befriended Slutty when the pair met at Western Plains’ popular eatery, the Late Night Kebab and Massage Parlour, where Slutty would regularly go down for a felafel, a mars bar or whatever small change you had in your pocket.
The sisters have revealed that at the time Slutty was completely in awe of the music icon and wanted to be just like him.
‘He just loved trawling the world for a late night kebab and massage,’ they said. ‘You can imagine our surprise when we found out that he had once been a member of pop duo Wham.’
The member for Western Plains, Ron Slutty has welcomed the latest diplomatic move by the US which he says is sure to defuse tension and improve relations between the two countries [read more…]