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Huge load of excrement found blogging up internet in Whitechapel Plains

Staff at the Western Herald say they are working round the clock on a shitload of stuff that has been building up inside their heads for some time but they are hoping to have cleared by the end of the week.
The origin of the massive shitblog, covering an area from East London to Western Plains, remains a mystery. It is largely comprised of fake news reports, obscure historical references, offensive comments, some very bad language and even worse poetry.
John Fustaigne, Editor in Chief at the Western Herald says it just shows what happens when people put stuff down on their computer without thinking about it.

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Nostalgia Revisited

As part of an occasional series, the Western Herald is pleased to bring you these historical phographs of old Western Plains.

Pic 1. Horses have played a major part in the history of Western Plains, especially in the past. People were very proud of their animals in those days and good horse photographers were very much in demand.

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Pic 2. Western Plains Railway Station was built during the golden age of rail. The station probably brought much needed transport to the town.

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Pic 3. During the gold rush thousands of men flocked to Western Plains hoping to strike it lucky with the topless barmaids at the Criterion Hotel.52654cbd0a8f13f1511360b5775527f9

 

 

Pic 4. The ruins of St Sebastian Church. St Sebastian used to be entered from round the back but then the Inquisition came along and put a stop to that sort of thing.Old Abdie Church Fife

Pic 5. Western Plains Homestead was one of the finest buildings in the district until it was restored by Western Plains Council.

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Pic 6. This fascinating photograph of Western Plains Library was taken shortly after it was knocked down to make way for the Zoo. Unfortunately there is no-one left in Western Plains who can remember what a library was.cottage deserted

Star’s Shameful Secret Revealed

The sisters of local member Ron Slutty have revealed that the late singing superstar George Michael once participated in a night of raucous karaoke with their brother at the Grand Hotel in Liebig Street.
It is believed that the sisters have decided to break their silence in order to head off more embarrassing revelations in Slutty’s tell-all book about his fascinating life as a swimming pool attendant, bush ranger, pie surgeon, MP and apparently a bit of a singer as well.
It is alleged that Michael befriended Slutty when the pair met at Western Plains’ popular eatery, the Late Night Kebab and Massage Parlour, where Slutty would regularly go down for a felafel, a mars bar or whatever small change you had in your pocket.
The sisters have revealed that at the time Slutty was completely in awe of the music icon and wanted to be just like him.
‘He just loved trawling the world for a late night kebab and massage,’ they said. ‘You can imagine our surprise when we found out that he had once been a member of pop duo Wham.’

US orders deployment of advanced war planes in warning to North Korea

The member for Western Plains, Ron Slutty has welcomed the latest diplomatic move by the US which he says is sure to defuse tension and improve relations between the two countries  [read more…]

 

Massive asteroid shower set to hit Earth on Sunday morning

The Western Plains Weather Bureau has warned that the footy may be affected by showers forecast for some inland areas this weekend. People are advised to wrap up well and not to make any plans for Monday [read more…]

Western Plains MP Alleges He Was Mugged in New York

The member for Western Plains Ron Slutty has alleged that he was targeted in a scam while on holiday in New York.

Slutty says he ordered late night ‘room service’ from an on-line agency offering a double helping of tasty dishes for discerning gentlemen of taste and sophistication – as politicians on holidays will often do.

‘I was expecting to get a massage from two under-age African American boys’ says Slutty. ‘You can imagine my disappointment when an elderly Jewish lady turned up at my hotel room door with a double-decker pastrami on rye.’

A New York policeman refused to take Mr Slutty’s allegations seriously, saying officers in the city had ‘heard it all before’.

Police recording reveals moment jubilant officer realised he had shot a man

A recording has been released this morning of the dramatic moment when a Western Plains police officer realised he had shot his first member of the public.

According to the responding officer, he was minding his own business in someone else’s back yard when the owner made some cutting comments about his IQ and parentage which were completely uncalled for and quite hurtful really.

The officer immediately opened fire before trying other tactical options which clearly wouldn’t have worked as well as the bullets.

‘It was just one of those opportunities that most police never get,’ a press officer said. ‘I think all reasonable people will agree the actions were highly commendable.’

 

What the tapes reveal

Officer: I’ve got an [inaudible] here…..I’m concerned about his behaviour.

Operator: And have you established that you feel threatened to a significant degree such that you might have to deploy a range of tactical options which will probably not be as effective as resorting to the use of firearms?

Officer: Um…no….hang on…..sir, do you require assistance?

Man: Yes, I have a mental illness, you stupid bastard [loud bangs].

Officer: Man down… I think he’s been shot [more loud bangs].  Several times.

Operator: I’ll get the glasses…