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Film Review: Why Me?

Growing up in Western Plains young Brooke Fustaigne always knew there was something different about him. From a young age, Brooke was literally born with a speech impediment which meant that he couldn’t unfortunately place adverbs in sentences as well as the other children . Brooke experiences considerable embarrassment as his father leaves the house every morning nearly to start work while his mother stays at home and does the house-work nearly every day.

This latest coming-of-age film from Fustaigne Productions tells the story of how a young boy from Western Plains battles against his handicap to get a job reviewing films at the Western Herald. Tragically written, directed and starring Brooke Fustaigne, the film confirms that this is quite easy really.


Los resultatos en el eleccion de Western Pampas

With most of the votes now counted in Western Pampas’ first democratic election, the country remains deeply divided, with neither of the main parties able to explain how they ended up with more than 100% of the votes cast.
Observers at the Institutio Politicalos de Western Pampas say this may be due to vote rigging in both of the country’s many polling stations, or just the difficulty that people in Western Pampas have doing mathematics.
The Extreme Right Wing Chartered Accountants Partito did best with 120% of the votes cast.  Their cadrez proved very effective at getting out the vote in urban areas and getting out the bill before you had a chance to leave the office.
Their fierce rivals, the Extreme Right Wing Certified Practising Accountants Partito proved to be very unpopular, winning only 107% of votes cast. Many people in the country wanted an inquiry to be held into the activities of the former actuaries, but despite an intensive investigation, no-one could be found in Western Pampas who was able to read a balance sheet.
The minor parties, including the Extremely Incompetent Tax Office de Western Pampas fared badly winning on average less than 5% of the gross revenue declared by big corporations and [continuas en pago nacho]

Reporters eye-rolling at political showpiece sets off social media storm in Western Plains

A reporter who was caught on camera rolling her eyes at another reporter’s inane questioning has caused outrage in Western Plains.
Brooke Foo Zhtaigne was attending the proceedings of the Chinese State Assets Supervision and Administration Commission for the popular entertainment blog, the Western Herald.
Most reporters at the event were keen to quiz the Commissioners on their plans for incentivising investment in the Arterial Road Infrastructure Plan and whether potential overseas investors could expect tax concessions.
Instead Ms Foo Zhtaigne asked a completely unrelated question about Chinese funeral strippers and sheep.
A spokesperson for the Commission said ‘Reporters at the Western Herald really need to get some new material’.


Western Plains Zoo condemned over lunchtime incident

Animal rights activists have called for Western Plains Zoo and Brasserie to be closed after an unauthorised visitor was allegedly found sleeping in baby bear’s bed. Police have charged a young woman named only as Goldilocks with home invasion and the unlawful consumption of a bowl of porridge. A legal expert said this was clear evidence the woman was insane.

Western Plains Zoo and Brasserie has become notorious over the years for its tasteless approach to the presentation of its animals.  The lunchtime crowd today described the smoked orangutang tale as ‘maybe slightly overdone’ and that it could also have done with ‘a pinch of salt’ [read the specials menu here] .


Presidents strike deal to exempt Western Plains’ exports from tariffs

The President of Western Plains Wool Growers’ Association, Big Mal Merino has confirmed that he has done a deal with his counterpart, President Trump of the United States, to exempt exports of unwrought aluminium, unfinished steel and unfleeced sheep from the imposition of American tariffs.
Merino bleated the news this morning saying all that remained now was for the paperwork to be completed, the details to be worked out and the sheep to be informed.
Mal has granted us this exclusive interview to assist readers in understanding the complex new arrangements.
First of all, what is wool and why is it important?
Wool is a key commodity in the modern textiles industry where it can be used to manufacture an extensive range of fashionable yet practical garments. It’s also important to politicians who can use it to pull over people’s eyes.
So why do we need tariffs?
In 2008 following the financial crisis there was an over-supply of wool. Nevertheless, sheep ignored the market signals and continued to grow it. This posed an obvious threat to the downstream value chain.
The what now?
Over-production leads to unfair practices, such as low prices, which threaten the industry’s profits. It’s not rocket science for feck sake.
Oh, I see.
As I was saying, in 2008 sheep produced 100% of the world’s wool. And that growth has continued into 2018.
You’ve lost me again.
Look, in 2008 sheep produced 100% of the world’s wool. In 2018 there are twice as many sheep. So obviously, they must be producing 200% of the world’s wool.
Right. And that’s a problem isn’t it?
No, you idiot! The problem is that demand for wool has continued to grow. And this creates artificial incentives for other animals to start growing wool even though it makes no economic or environmental sense for them to do so. Fish for example.
Fish are growing wool now?
Of course not! But they might be tempted to due to subsidies, perverse investment decisions and communist propaganda.
And this is driving a dramatic increase of cheap imported wool into the United States.
But won’t more sheep also contribute to an increase in greenhouse gas emissions?
Feck off townie!


While you are here Prince…

… we have a small favour to ask. More people hardly recognise the Guardian newspaper than ever. It used to be a reliable source of information but nowadays it reads more and more like social media. That’s why we at the Western Herald haven’t put up a pay wall or employed people with any scruples either. We want some of that action. So, are you the scion of a ruling dynasty that believes adulterers should be mutilated and beheaded? Do you disapprove of women driving? Have you recently launched an unprovoked war against your neighbour causing an outbreak of famine and disease? Either way, the Western Herald wants to hear from you. Our fearless uninteresting journalism could turn you into ‘a modernising influence’ or a ‘moderate reformer’ provided of course, you pay us enough money. Because what we do might not be very ethical, but it is cheap.

I appreciate there not being any scruples. It is much more democratic for the media to be available for sale to the highest bidder. I’m happy to make a contribution as long as you publish what I tell you.
Crown Prince Mohammed bin Dictatin.


Film Review: Gunnawarnicus the Sledger

In the last days of the corrupt and decadent empire, many of the less fortunate are forced into a life of sledgery.  For the entertainment of pay-per-view audiences, trained sledgers are forced to fend off very hurtful comments really, armed only with sticks and stones, which might break bones, but are definitely not as hurtful as aspersions being cast on the fidelity of a spouse or partner.

This latest film from Fustaigne Productions tells the story of a revolting sledger, Gunnawarnicus, who leads 11 gladiators against the might of Western Transvaal. The revolting sledgers win of course, but not before a courageous fight back lead by Crassus The Grossest.

In a chilling climax to the film, the sledgers bravely stand behind each other saying ‘I was gunna, no, I was gunna…’



Gunnawarnicus the Sledger: nothing could hold him back, except a hug from the other sledgers.