Paris St Fustaigne is obviously the man to turn things around at Atlético Western Plains FC.
At least that is the opinion of Fustaigne himself.
Fustaigne was appointed this week to replace Jose Rigor Mortis who consolidated the club’s position at the bottom of the table after years of simply fluctuating up and down.
However some fans in the town remain to be convinced.
‘Paris who?’ and ‘There’s a football club in Western Plains now?’ were just some of the comments made on social media this week.
Despite six years without winning a game Fustaigne has refused to put a time frame on when the club will be successful.
‘Obviously I’m not going to put a time frame on when we will be successful’ said Fustaigne ‘But I believe that will be in year one.’
Fustaigne’s previous experience at big name clubs Réal Désperaçion and Rélatif Obscurité suggests he will obviously fit right in at Western Plains.
He will have to bring in fresh faces to rejuvenate a tired squad obviously while not replacing the established players who have achieved so little over such a long period of time. With the limited funds available to him he will obviously have to spend big in order to achieve success. But it would be a mistake to think that he can just go out and buy success.
His number one priority is obviously to find a free scoring striker who can deliver the much needed defensive solidity that has been lacking for so long in midfield. His other number one priority is to get the fans back on side by playing the free-flowing attacking football that the fans love while delivering the defensive solidity that they love as well. Obviously.
A nationwide search has begun in Western Plains for hundreds of athletes who have gone missing after they were reported as missing yesterday.
The crisis was sparked by reports in the Western Herald that hundreds of Commonwealth Games athletes had remained in the country after their visas expired. It has now been officially confirmed that the number could be as high as 100 and fears are growing about what has happened to the ‘hundreds’ that the Western Herald reported missing yesterday.
On the Western Herald’s other pages: Western Plains Athletes Win Hundreds of Medals at Commonwealth Games
The Queen has announced that following his marriage to Meagan Markle, Prince Harry will be given the honorary titles Earl of Flynn and Man of The House.
The titles have a long and distinguished history, but only the Earl of Flynn carries any significance.
By our Outing and Raging Correspondent, Julian Slutty
There is outrage on the streets of Western Plains this morning after people going to the World Cup hoping to have sexual relations with Russian women were advised to beware of outing and raging stories with little or no connection to the World Cup.
The advice was contained in a story circulating on the internet last week.
A spokesperson for Western Plains Outing and Raging Group said the suggestion that people would deliberately make up outing and raging stories was completely and utterly plausible, but what was hard to believe was the suggestion that Russian women would want to have sexual relations with men from Western Plains.
So far no-one has claimed responsibility for starting the story.
The head of Western Plains Fishy Industry Association Barry Mundy has said that falling demand for fishy stories may force the closure of the local industry.
According to new research, fishy stories carried by the Western Herald have jumped by 40% this season, but demand for the locally produced red herring has plummeted.
Many former readers have already pulled up anchor and gone off in search of new trolling grounds.
Local fisherman Rod Stavanger has blamed the over-supply of stories about Ron Slutty and sheep. He says that if the situation does not change soon there will no longer be a free-range red herring industry in Western Plains.
‘I think everybody has been denial about what’s going on for too long’ said Mr Stavanger. ‘I mean, Western Plains is not real, is it?’
Husband and wife team Ron and Dora Slutty have been reading the Western Herald since it began but have said that they are now on the edge.
‘I am concerned about whether we can keep going’ said Dora Slutty, ‘But not having a life of my own, it’s not easy just to give up overnight.’
A spokesperson for the Western Herald has acknowledged there is a problem but denies that over trolling is to blame.
‘Red herring is a very sustainable industry and there’s room for everyone’ he said. ‘The problem is no-one wants to read it.’
He has suggested that better labelling would improve the situation.
‘If people knew whether what they were reading was real, wild-caught or imported red herring then they might be more discerning’ he said ‘But hopefully we won’t ever get to that stage.’
Local member Ron Slutty says he has been completely cleared of any wrongdoing after an investigation found that he was usually drunk in the workplace, was often absent without reasonable excuse and was seen making inappropriate contact with an employee. It is believed the contact was of a sandwichual nature. Slutty says the findings clear the way for him to be appointed the next Electoral Commissioner of Queensland.
A judge investigating allegations of impropriety against local member Ron Slutty has dismissed as ‘unbelievable’ the claims that he once had a nutritious salad sandwich at Western Plains Zoo and Brasserie .
It is alleged that Slutty and an un-named acquaintance, Mal Merino, entered the Zoo around lunchtime last Friday hoping to have a routine sexual encounter with a woman who worked there.
CCTV footage obtained by the Western Herald shows them being joined in the toilet a few minutes later by a woman carrying a double-decker pastrami on rye.
It is not known exactly what happened in the next one and a half minutes but Slutty then re-emerges wearing a very satisfied look on his face.
In an interview with the Western Herald the woman has admitted to getting in a sandwich in the brasserie with Slutty but has denied that there were any fresh vegetables involved. ‘There hasn’t been a salad bar here since the place opened’ she said.
The judge leading the enquiry has retired to the Western Plains Zoo and Brasserie to see if the woman still works there by any chance.