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Accused says he could literally of gotten away with murder

When Brooke Fustaigne was interviewed by a senior reporter at the Western Herald about suspicious claims in his CV, he nonchalantly denied all knowledge of anything.

‘I don’t know nothing about that’ he said ‘You can ask my dad if you like.  He’s your boss’.

Fustaigne was just as cocky when asked where he was between January and December 2015.

‘I was at Western Plains School of Journalism nearly every day’ he joked ‘Nearly on Mondays and very nearly on Tuesdays as well’.

Two years later and justice has finally been done.

The interviewer has been sacked and I have gotten his job.

By Brooke Fustaigne



Why amending code of conduct won’t solve problem of unsuitable workplace relationships

Questions are being asked this week about whether it is appropriate for a Prime Minister of Australia to have a working relationship with his Deputy.

Whilst they might at first appear to be consenting, even willing partners in a coalition, there is a fundamental power imbalance in their relationship – although which one of them is more unbalanced is not immediately obvious [read more..]

Australia introduces ban on MPs having ‘sandwiches’

As of today, the member for Western Plains, Ron Slutty will no longer be allowed to have a sandwich with underage boys in New York.
The prohibition is contained in revisions to the Parliamentary Code of Conduct following revelations that the Deputy Prime Minister had been having clandestine ‘sandwiches’ with his former media adviser and that he is now expecting to get his desserts.
Key points:
• Getting in a sandwich with two underage boys is banned
• Having sex with staff is banned
• Having sex with porn stars is OK as long as they’re not on the payroll.

No sign of thaw at Winter Olympics

Tensions have been running high in Western Pyongyang this week as both North and South Korea ramp up their attempts to divert attention away from events at the Winter Olympics.
Both countries have reportedly invested heavily in the cold wars, with millions of dollars being spent training cross-country skiers, and tens of millions being spent training cross country sledgers.
Prior to the games there had been fears that relations between the two countries were going downhill slower than Eddie The Eagle.  These fears have proven to be completely with foundation.
Tomorrow we will be looking at snowboreding – is there a cure in sight?

Australia is both a country and a continent says American university

Professor of Social Media at Western Plains Technical College, John Fustaigne claims he was turned down for a job at a prestigious university in Idaho because the university did not believe that Western Plains was a real town and that Australia is both a country and a continent.

A spokesperson for the university denied the accusation saying they were well aware of Western Plains’ geographical location, ‘but being professor of social media is not a real job’.

Cake ad socially irresponsible says Scottish regulator

Controversial Scottish confectioners Tunnock’s have been ordered to scrap the ‘moist and sticky’ advertising campaign for their new range of English Muffins following complaints from the Scottish public that the adverts are not offensive enough. Tunnocks have announced that henceforth the delicious wee cakes will be known as English Fannies.



‘Advertising of this nature is socially irresponsible’ said the Scottish Regulator ‘The choaklit wid melt fur a start.’


Shock discovery that challenges mis-conceptions and prejudices

Scientists from Western Plains Technical College have revealed the diet of a young man who lived in the area more than 4,000 years ago.

The skeleton of ‘Western Plains Man’ was found in a stone-age burial chamber by council workmen around 11.00 last Friday morning.

It was radiocarbon-dated to around 2000 BC and is thought to have been that of a man aged 18 to 25. The estimated height of the man was around 1.8 metres (5ft 11ins), which is regarded as tall in stone-age terms, although not as tall as this tale.

Scientists also found within the chamber a magnificent historical piece – traces of a cheddar cheese sandwich which it is thought was intended to sustain the deceased during his journey into the afterlife, or at least until his dinner time.  The discovery is being treated as a breakthrough because until now, archaeologists had assumed that cheddar cheese sandwiches did not arrive in the Western Plains area much before the invention of cheese. Or bread.

The chamber also contained a hideously decorated tartan flask which presumably contained the deceased man’s tea, a peculiar custom that persists even to this day among local residents.

The shock discovery has forced scientists to revise their theories about when council workmen knocked off in the Western Plains area.  Until now, most people had assumed this was around twelve o’clock on a Wednesday but [read more…]