By our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Nick Lucifer.
As Western Plains faces yet another crisis of conscience, we have seen a steady stream of politicians who have been caught breaking the law swearing on a stack of bibles that they didn’t know what they were doing was wrong.
So what do politicians in Western Plains actually think the bible tells us about right and wrong? Some of the most common occasions when Western Plains politicians have claimed biblical justification for their actions are discussed below.
Thou shalt pay thy taxes: Platitudes 31
This is pretty straight forward. Not paying taxes is a sin, but tax avoidance and tax minimisation are both OK in the eyes of the Lord High Tax Commissioner.
Thou shalt eschew any conflict of interest: Book of Fustaigne
This is also pretty clear cut. Politicians will from time to time find themselves faced with a potential conflict that might be of interest, particularly to the media. These should be avoided. If you must get into a conflict, make sure it is of no interest to anyone.
Thou shalt disclose all donations to thy party and thyself in the members’ register of pecuniary interests: Book of Cosanostra
This is a bit of a ‘grey area’ and we need some context here. First of all, politicians get offered bribes all the time. And obviously some of them are hardly worth disclosing, such as a year’s free subscription to an upmarket satellite television service or a donation of $5000 from a boss of the mafia. Many politicians naturally assume that this is part of the parliamentary package. Secondly, ignorance is a very good excuse. I mean, how many people really know what pecuniary means? And thirdly, there is no such thing as ‘the mafia’ or an ‘upmarket’ satellite television service in Western Plains – so how can it be illegal not to disclose donations from organisations that don’t exist?
Thou shalt not steal: Range of Options
This is one of a number of ancient laws, some of which seem to make good sense (such as: thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ass) and others which the majority of us no longer keep (such as: thou shalt not imagine there is no difference between right and wrong). In this day and age to claim that stealing is always wrong is complete nonsense and just shows that you can’t afford a good accountant.
Thou shalt not commit naked pictures of thyself to the public: Sluttius
This is problematic but one that I think I can explain. The original story is about a young boy who was sent photographs of naked men by the local priest. It has long been associated in most people’s minds with biblical condemnation of clergymen having sex with underage boys. It is however actually a story about forgiveness. The priest visits the young boy (whom he calls his ‘little angel’) every Wednesday but then he goes to court where he flatly denies the whole thing and is promptly forgiven by the judge who visits his little angel on Fridays. Despite popular belief, the Bible has nothing to say about politicians from Western Plains posting naked pictures of themselves on the internet.
Just like unicorns and Australian politicians who haven’t submitted fraudulent expenses claims, Australian river horses are completely mythical creatures.
That’s the message from Kylie Fustaigne, Sous Ranger at Western Plains Aquatic Cafe.
She says the ‘river horses’ that many people have been sold are in fact baby crocodiles which might appear cute and cuddly at first, but which can quickly lose their appeal to families with young children.
Nevertheless Ms Fustaigne says there are many benefits to keeping a crocodile as a pet.
‘You’ve got yourself a pet that is appropriate to the Western Plains environment,’ she said, ‘As opposed to cats that can have have a devastating effect on native fauna, or dogs that disturb the neighbours by barking at all hours of the day and night.’
‘But,’ she added, ‘Just like a pet dog, a pet crocodile will be waiting to greet you at the front door when you get home from work.’
The winners of popular TV show ‘If You Are The One’ have said it was ‘love at first sight’ after collecting their prize at the Grand Hotel in Liebig Street. Asked if they had any plans to tie the knot, Pauline produced a rope from under her robe while Ned was last seen heading for the hills.
Pictured 1) Pauline Kelly 2) Ned Hanson
There is anger in the streets of Western Plains tonight after local member Ron Slutty was criticised for wearing traditional Australian dress during Parliamentary Question time. There were audible gasps of ‘strewth’ and ‘crikey’ from other members when Slutty staggered into the chamber after a particularly long lunch wearing a full suit of body armour. Slutty said he was simply trying to make a point on behalf of his constituents who have been campaigning to preserve traditional cultural practices such as robbing banks and sheep sh[read more…]
Everything you need to know about the people vying to become the next Kancellor of Vestern Plehnz by our International Affairs Correspondent, Engelbert Von Humperdink Jr.
Angela Schnorkel –Demokraticisch Partei
Current incumbent, Schnorkel is the darling of the right, sweetheart of the centre and live-in lover of the left. Has a reputation for being all things to all men and ‘that German woman’ to Donald Trump. Widely expected to win unless people vote for someone else.
Germani Korbin– Kristian Socialist Partei
Former Trotskyist, Korbin claims his political views have matured and that he is now a member of the Friends of North Korea (Islington Branch). Capable of causing an upset.
Sanktimonius Kant– Supremacist Partei
Career academic Kant believes that he is never wrong about anything. He wants to abolish elections and replace the government with a panel of technocrats chaired by himself. He can’t see why anyone in Vestern Plehnz would have a problem with that.
Frederick the Great – Enlightened Monarchist Partei
Iconic figure on the political right, Frederick is both a Prussian nationalist and openly hohenzollern. Has campaigned on a plan to invade Silesia, debase the coinage and expel the Canadians. Critics say his plan to make coffee a royal monopoly is the mark of an egotistical mad man, but they are keeping an open mind on the Canadians.
Karl Marx – Sozial Demokratik Partei
Not much is known about Marx or his policies. He looks a bit like Santa Klaus which is sure to win him some votes in deeply religious Vestern Plehnz.
Schleswig Holstein – Münster Raving Loonei Partei
Has impeccable kancellor credentials having worked as a property developer in Vest Berlin for many years. Has said that if elected he has a wall he wants to sell to Donald Trump [click here for more candidates]
Authorities in Western Plains have reported a significant fall in traffic accidents during the first three days of a driverless transport service in the town.
So far, the experimental vehicles have managed to collide with any hardly any other road users which is a record in Western Plains. But there have been a number of near misses. An eyewitness reports that one of the transports ran a red light while the donkey was sending a text on his mobile phone, while another got involved in a road rage incident with a zebra crossing.
Under Western Plains complex legal system, despite no-one driving, local traffic law requires that there is a responsible person on board at all times, meaning that the service has still to pick up any passengers.
A Western Plains woman who was injured when a parked car collided with her donkey has claimed that design defects were a contributory factor in the accident. ‘I fully intend suing’ said Kylie Fustaigne (34). ‘Obviously some idiot has placed the steering at the wrong end.’
A spokesperson for the Western Plains Insurance Company has dismissed the claims. ‘This just goes to prove what I have always suspected,’ he said, ‘Some people in Western Plains couldn’t find their ass with both hands.’