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Postanoffenloos faces wallet-wrenching decision

Con Postanoffenloos, who this week successfully steered the socceroos to the World Cup finals, faces a difficult yet at the same time easy dilemma.
Is now the right time to threaten to resign unless he gets a pay rise; or should he risk waiting until after the finals when his reputation might be even worse than it is now?
The problem for Postanoffenloos is that the $600,000 a year he currently receives is only slightly more than the Prime Minister’s salary. And despite the high reputation that he has in his own mind, if he does quit he knows that in the real world no-one else would pay him what he earns now. Not even to manage Greece. The country maybe, but definitely not the football team.
To help influence the decision, Postanoffenloos has asked his agent (me) to write this unbiased article saying what a brilliant job he has done.
On Wednesday Postanoffenloos’ side overcame a brilliant Honduras team packed with some of the most brilliant players in Honduras. Playing in the fluent money grabbing style that has become Postanoffenloos’ trademark, his team were finally rewarded for their attacking play, but not well enough obviously.
Since then my phone has never stopped ringing. Usually it’s Con asking if any offers have come in yet. Unfortunately we are seeing a bit of a market correction right now, but as I tell all my clients, it’s never been a better time to sell out.

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Why is Western Plains located where it is?

‘We all know that Western Plains is situated somewhere in Australia’ writes Bi-Curious of Carpentaria, ‘But why isn’t it located somewhere nearer, or more interesting?’ he or she asks.

‘I’m sure a lot more people would follow the Western Herald media digest if only it contained something worth reading’ she added.

Well Bi-Curious, you can be forgiven for not knowing exactly where Western Plains is, or indeed why it is.

Many potential locations were looked at before a suitable location was chosen for the motley assembly of characters who populate these pages.

Western Plains’ location was determined, in part, by politics and in part, by accident. Before a site was settled on, towns all over remote and regional Australia were in danger of being selected. Eventually, Editor in Chief John Fustaigne chose a point exactly halfway between ‘the black stump’ and ‘the arse end of nowhere’ – close enough to be identified as Australian, but not too close as to offend people from Dubbo.

We hope that answers your question, Curious. It’s a great story, and one that we’re very proud of, but like everything else on these pages, you still might not find it very interesting.

The story behind some of Western Plains most creative advertising

So many of Western Plains’ most iconic commercials are the ones that promise to deliver that special something which we all thought was out of reach. Here we explain how the promises made in some advertisements will stick in our brains for decades, while others will be broken before the end of the commercial break. Whether the message is to come here or stay away, only the paranoid schizophrenic at the immigration desk can say for sure.

Come on down! Western Plains is paradise for boat people.

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No it isn’t. Fack off!

If you come by boat

People who like camels especially welcome.

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No they’re absolutely feckin not!

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Western Plains, it speaks for itself

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More Allegations Of Misconduct Levelled Against Merino (Warning: Contains Common Language Used Explicitly In Western Plains)

Big Mal Merino has vowed to defend himself ‘very fackin vigorously’ against fresh allegations that he abused his position of power while chairman of Western Plains Sheep Shearers’ Association.

Having faced down allegations that he had abused reporters and fleeced shareholders, Merino is now accused of  inappropriate crotching, exposing himself as a dick and quite possibly being a dual citizen as well.

In the past week, several thousand accusers have come forward, but the exact number is unknown as everyone who has tried to count them has fallen asleep.

It is alleged that Merino worried his victims before driving them back to his paddock where he would force himself upon them and remove their outer garments before giving them a good drenching.

One victim, Annabelle Lamb who asked not to be named says Merino abused his position of authority. ‘I suppose I regarded him as a sort of shepherd figure and I trusted him completely in our relationship’ she said ‘But when I found out that all these years he had been a dual citizen of Australia and New Zealand I felt completely violated and ashamed.’

In a bizarre twist yesterday, Merino’s prize gelding Phar Lap said ‘You think you were violated? Wait till you hear what he did to me.’

 

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‘Pucker up sweetheart!’

 

Wanderers Look To Fustaigne To Repair Damage What Previous Manager Done

Western Plains leading authority on linguistics and panel beating, Roxie Fustaigne, says she has a point to prove and an axe to grind after being appointed manager of Western Plains Wanderers Football Club.
Wanderers currently occupy a very low position in the opinion of most pundits after the previous manager demonstrated an egregious misunderstanding of syntax and verbalised in the most peculiar working class accent whenever he appeared on the television set.
Fustaigne says she has the skills to remedy the situation, despite never having managed a football team before.
‘I think we have to acknowledge that in the past mistakes have been made, and some inappropriate metaphors have been used by working class men who didn’t get a good education like me’ said Fustaigne.  ‘But this is not the time to gloat.  What these players really need right now is a good kick up the arse.’

Officers Need To Respond Faster Says Slutty

Local Member Ron Slutty has criticised what he called the ‘lamentably slow’ response by press officers at the Western Plains Transgender Gun Club to recent mass shootings.
‘Mass shootings are still extremely rare events’ said Slutty. ‘But when they do occur, inevitably there will be calls for stricter gun controls. The relevant press officers need to be better prepared to respond to these deranged individuals’ he added.
This week observers counted a full 25 minutes before a press release arrived on the scene describing the trigger happy maniac who dashed out to the truck to grab his own assault rifle so that he could join in the shooting as ‘a hero’.
‘This is not nearly quick enough’ said Slutty.

Sheep Not Only Ones Being Fleeced In Western Plains Says Report

The Chairman of Western Plains Sheep Shearers’ Association Big Mal Merino has defended his decision to spend $100,000 of taxpayers’ money on a six-week training course for his chief executive.
‘The course at Western Plains Graduate School of Business and Shearing is recognised both internationally and around the globe as world’s best practice in teaching executives how to drive change, inspire innovation and fleece shareholders’ he said.
Asked by a reporter whether it might have been more sensible to identify someone who had these skills before appointing them to the $420,000 a year position, Mr Merino said ‘I refer you to my previous answer, you useless [inaudible].’