The Fustaigne Broadcasting Company has axed the star of Western Plains hit TV show, New Fleeces, just hours after announcing that a new series would be going into production.
A spokesperson for FBC said that Ramsey Gordon would not be seen on TV again until later this year when he is expected to appear on Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmare either as the main character or as the main course.
The Fustaigne Broadcasting Company has announced that it is proceeding with a new television production based on the long running hit show, New Faces.
‘We are all very excited about this new venture’ said a spokesperson, ‘And in keeping with our policy of employing cheaper actors, it will not have any new faces in it all.’
Instead the show, provisionally entitled New Fleeces, is expected to focus on the lives of the sheep who appeared briefly in episode 5 of series 36.
‘They are not only cheaper, they are also much better actors’ said a spokesperson.
7.00 Sabrina, the Teenage Bitch
8.00 Roseanne, the Middle Aged Witch
9.00 Pauline, the (that’s enough bitchin – Ed)
By our Outing and Raging Correspondent Julian Slutty
Regardless of who wins the World Cup this year, the whole thing has been completely spoiled for a group of male sex workers from Western Plains who had travelled to Western Steppes hoping to see Australia win a football match [you’ve done this already – try again -Ed]
Regardless of who wins the World Cup this year, the whole thing has been completely spoiled for a group of people who had stumbled across the Western Herald’s Sports Pages hoping to read something just slightly football related [you’re sacked – Ed]
Regardless of who wins the World Cup this year, the whole thing has been completely spoiled for a group of men from Western Plains who had travelled to Western Steppes hoping to have anonymous sex with Russian women.
Instead they have been outed in the most cruel fashion by a group of mindless football hooligans.
The situation always begins the same.
The goalkeeper lines up a goal-kick and the chant begins: ‘Ooooo…’ Then the fans’ voices rise in unison until the kick prompts a cry of ‘You fat bastard!’
The term is commonly used by sex workers to describe men from Western Plains.
FIFA has promised to investigate whether the chants are caused by a complex interaction of social, environmental, cultural and hormonal influences reflecting perhaps the chanters’ own deep-seated sense of insecurity about their body shape, or rather whether they are intending to make derogatory and hurtful comments about the marital status of the parents of men from Western Plains, which is just as bad isn’t it really?
Western Plains leading wildlife expert Dr Bernard Sloth says that disconcerting images which appeared in the media today of a confused Western Plains ’roo attempting an unnatural act may not have had anything to do with sex.
‘There is obviously some confusion here,’ he said.
‘Some people may have thought that the Socceroos had travelled to the World Cup hoping to have sexual intercourse with Russian women, or maybe win a football match,’ he said, ‘But based on the latest pictures, that may not necessarily be the case.’
1) Confused roo 2) Confused socceroo
Researchers at the Western Plains Institute of Muffin Management have released a new Report that will take the Institute in a sort of forwards type direction going into the future according to futurologist and project leader Professor John Fustaigne.
‘The aim of the Muffin 2050 Report is to develop in a very real sense, plausible scenarios for the future of muffin in the workplace’ said Professor Fustaigne.
‘We know however that we cannot predict the future. So we have decided to call it scenario planning instead’ he said.
‘The Report expropriates the very latest in post-modernist jargonomics, not only in order to extrapolate what might happen in future, but also to show that we take ourselves very seriously’ he added.
Fustaigne says the approach taken in the Report is a broad-based, loose-thinking type methodology. ‘Using this simplistic approach’ he says ‘We have reached some unconvincing conclusions, while sticking essentially to a narrative that is devoid of any meaning whatsoever. By that, we mean use of expressions like base-line shift, laterally embraced, and technological sanguinity, as well as the random use of italics.’
‘In this way, the Report has given a base-line shift to strategy that reflects changes to technological sanguinity which would not otherwise be laterally embraced’ he said. People who have read the Report have described it as a mix of terrifying technological possibilities and even more terrifying prose. The following extracts are printed without anyone’s permission.
Scenario One – Hard Day’s Muffin
In Scenario One small scale muffin production is the result of a human-machine interface in a domestic environment. Numerous home bakers have discovered the delights of combining flour, sugar and margarine in a bowl. A series of measurements, followed by emulsification and exposure of the combined ingredients to intense heat in a wall or free standing oven leads to real and visible change. After 15 minutes of latent and/or convective heating, the muffin is ready for consumption. The home baker ensures a better outcome by actively monitoring the muffin while it is in the oven. Technologies are gradually applied in a highly pervasive manner, with people realising the true reach of these applications once they are in place – ovens can also be used to make bread, cakes, cookies, etc. People take their muffins to work and share them around.
‘People are baking all of the day and all of the night’
Scenario Two – Muffin the Mule
The world in Scenario Two is changing. The narrative describes how a protectionist and maternalistic government has influenced the rise of a highly mechanised, highly profitable muffin industry. The growth of manufactories located on the outskirts of conurbations, both large and small, has contributed to the development of the homogenised muffin. There is only one recipe. No artificial ingredients are required. But they’re used anyway. The result is bland and tasteless. The confections are washed down by the consumer’s choice of beverage such as tea, coffee or cocoa sourced from compliant, inter-dependent economies around the world. Muffin making is a globalised industry.
‘Consumers, hungry for muffin, make the short drive to the supermarket’
Scenario Three – Brave New Muffin
In this scenario the boundaries between the economic and culinary worlds are blurring. People are starting to supply their managers with muffin in the expectation of reward, but individuals have the right to opt in or out. Some girls do, and some girls don’t. Government, industry, advocacy groups and consumers are starting to see the benefits of muffin management – make your manager a muffin, get promoted!
‘Proto muffin management emerges’
Scenario Four – Dark Side of the Muffin
This narrative describes an environment where there is a rapid pace of change, but a slow pace of thinking. The workplace environment is throbbing, uninhibited and highly aromatic, but with poor service/delivery/performance. It is a hungrier, less trustful Australia where people are fiercely protective of their recipes. Shifting temporary alliances and partnerships form, reform and deform.
‘…erosion of confidence in muffin management’
Scenario Five – You can fool some of the people all of the time
This is an environment of high turbulence, driven by culinary and political instability. Home muffin makers are driven to extraordinary lengths by sheer desperation. They offer a huge range of tempting solutions in an attempt to get ahead in the workplace. But as a result, there is little trust in the system and everyone hates their boss. Many managers have died in mysterious circumstances…
‘Muffin managers are now on the receiving end.’
The major themes identified in the report are:
• In the future, some things will be different
• And some things will be the same
• Er, that’s it…..
• In a nutshell.
There is anger in the White House this morning after staff concerned about spillages imposed a ban on the sale of Irn Bru at Donald Trump’s luxury golf resort in Western Braes.
The notoriously indelible beverage contains a combination of colourants that are believed to give Donald Trump’s hair its distinctive luminous orange hue although some people in Scotland are believed to drink it as well.
Scotland’s other national drink is famed for its restorative qualities. Try it the next time you have a hang-over and feel like you could die, or you have a comb-over and feel like you could dye.