Western Plains Police say underground network concealing identity on dark web for nefarious purposes
Police in Western Plains say they have uncovered an underground network of bloggers who have been concealing their true identity on WordPress in order to satisfy their own depraved desires.
In the most shocking case so far, police say they have uncovered a man claiming to be ‘Terry’, a sado-masochistic, cross-dressing necrophiliac engineer from Western Kanye who is accused of leading astray several women from Western Plains.
In reality, ‘Terry’ is Ron Slutty, a Liberal Party candidate standing for election to the City Council.
‘When I found out ‘Terry’ was a member of the Liberal Party I felt sick’ said Madame De Beaucherie, Proprietor of Western Plains Late Night Kebab and Massage Parlour who asked not to be named.
Officers say there may be thousands of Liberal Party candidates out there who have been concealing their true identity and have warned the public not to be taken in by people offering to bring back corporal punishment for juvenile offenders, or for consenting adults.
‘In reality this is just a smokescreen for punishment of a different kind’ said a spokesperson.
Controversial milk shake consent video withdrawn – Council to try another approach
Following widespread criticism of its attempt to confuse young people about whether or not it’s OK to pour a milk shake over someone else with or without their consent [which it’s not, by the way – Ed] Western Plains Council has announced that it will taking a completely similar metaphor-based approach with its new public information campaign entitled ‘It’s OK to withdraw’.
Making the announcement yesterday, the Minister for Withdrawals, Ron Slutty said he wanted to demonstrate to young people who may or may not like milk shakes, that sometimes people make mistakes and that in that situation the best thing to do is to withdraw and start again.
‘Not to trivialise the issues, but I myself once found myself in a situation where my wife was complaining that I was going up the wrong alley. After a couple of years, I decided to stop immediately, withdraw and try another approach, from a slightly different angle’ said Mr Slutty.
On other pages – Council announces plans for education to become mandatory in Western Plains schools
Lying cow numbers on the rise say conservationists
Conservationists in Western Plains have been heartened by news that the common lying cow (vacca mendaxia reynoldis) has made a re-appearance in its natural habitat, ie the Western Plains Parliament Building. The Western Plains Minister for Defence even said yesterday that she had kept a lying cow in her office as an aide until the damn thing went feral. Police have advised members of the public to avoid the Minister for Defence during the ‘lying season’ as she might attack them too.
Why is there so little controversy about Western Plains Day?
Its Western Plains Day again, give or take, and the occasion has been celebrated up and down the country, or at least up and down Liebig Street, with the now traditional ‘returning of the awards ceremony’.
This insignificant ritual dates back to the days when the first residents of Western Plains returned the land they had occupied for thousands of years to its rightful owners, ie the European settlers.
Under the current system, awards such as the Ordure of Western Plains, are often returned by people who did something that no-one else has ever heard of.
But renowned blogger, John Fustaigne wants to change all that.
‘Handing out awards to people for achievements in their field is unfair, discriminatory and sends completely the wrong message to the rest of us,’ he said
Fustaigne says he plans to return his award, if he ever gets one, in protest at the way some people are using social media to comment on a range of issues from sheep croup to Chinese funeral strippers and back to sheep croup again.
‘Whilst I’m all in favour for free speech,’ he said, ‘In my opinion, people should not be using WordPress to promote their own personal views.’
MP rejects accusations that he claimed expenses for private visits to engage in sexual activity
The local member for Western Plains Ron Slutty has defended himself following the publication of a report by the Corruption Commission alleging that he had used his electorate allowance to fund private trips to engage in sexual activity.
Earlier this week the CC said it had obtained a photograph of Mr Slutty in a private room at the prestigious strip club, the Western Plains Zoo and Aquarium, which showed him lying naked on his back with a woman astride his lower body while his hands were resting on her bare buttocks.
When shown the photograph, Mr Slutty reportedly told the CCC: “I don’t know how anyone could claim that I am engaging in sexual activity. I’m just sort of lying there. She’s the one doing all the work.”
Western Plains threatens legal action after local women subjected to ‘grossly invasive’ strip searches at overseas airport
There is anger on the streets of Western Plains this morning after 13 local women were allegedly subjected to a terrifying strip search by some foreigners at an airport.
A spokesperson for Western Plains Police said ‘Subjecting innocent young women from Western Plains to grossly invasive strip searches is our job and we will not put up with anyone else attempting to get in on the act.’
WESTERN PLAINS HEALTH MINISTER ‘NOT AWARE’ HE WAS MINISTER FOR HEALTH
Health Minister Dr Mal Praktos appears to have misled the inquiry into the botched covid 19 quarantine program after claiming the first he knew he was the Western Plains Minister responsible for health policy was when he heard a radio report in May describing him as ‘the Minister for Health’.
This is despite the fact that Dr Praktos had issued numerous press releases saying how important he was now that he was Health Minister, signing all his letters as Health Minister and collecting a pay cheque as Health Minister for nearly three years.
Dr Praktos was questioned yesterday about when he first became aware that as Minister for Health, he might have some responsibility for health matters in Western Plains.
‘I wasn’t aware’ said Dr Praktos, ‘Until about 5 weeks ago. And you wouldn’t be asking me these questions if I wasn’t a woman’.
Asked when he first became aware that he was a woman, Dr Praktos said ‘About 5 minutes ago. It’s a queer old world, isn’t it?’ he or she said.
Fawlty Towers: Fustaigne wades in to row over ‘people who market’ comments
Julian Fustaigne is the latest non-entity to speak out in response to comments made by John Cleese suggesting that the Western Plains Broadcasting Corporation is now run by ‘marketing people and petty bureaucrats’.
Cleese had branded the WPBC ‘cowardly and gutless’ after it removed the hit comedy series Fawlty Towers from its scheduling on the basis that it had been running on the channel non-stop for the past 40 years.
‘So WPBC decisions are now being made by marketing people who follow the latest TV fad,’ he said, ‘It makes me sick.’
Fustaigne was outraged. ‘Of course, the WPBC is run by people who are cowardly and gutless,’ he said, ‘But to equate that with marketing is completely unfair on cowardly and gutless people.’
‘They are what they are, fully deserving of respect, love, a superannuated pension scheme and generous bonuses at the end of the financial year,’ he added.
A spokesperson for WPBC said it would be replacing the cancelled shows with a brand new series of Harry Potter films.
Western Plains will not tolerate threats
I will never give in to threats says Mayor
The Mayor of Western Plains, Big Mal Merino, has said that he will never give in to the threats of a bully after the Mayor of Eastern Plains warned tourists not to visit the town because of the risk of racist attacks.
But handing them out is a different matter
The Mayor was speaking at a hastily convened press conference where he warned people not to attend a protest march planned for this Saturday or he would get the police to arrest them and throw them all in jail.
Mayor clarifies ‘bears never shit in our woods’ comment, apologises for not knowing what he is talking about
The Mayor of Western Plains, Big Mal Merino, has issued clarification of his comment that ‘in Western Plains bears have never shit in the woods’ explaining that as mayor he does not know what he is talking about most of the time.
‘Yeah, sure, look, mate, yeah, no, yeah, as it was communicated to me, when Western Plains was founded there were in fact strict rules in place against bears shitting in the woods. Also there were expectations that people standing for public office in Western Plains would have some rudimentary knowledge about Western Plains’ history, or at least, bears and woods. In the event, people were going to be disappointed on both counts,’ he said, ‘I am sorry if anyone thought it might turn out otherwise.’
The Western Herald 