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Football chief issues another apology

The Football Association Chief Executive has apologised after team manager David Moyes was fined £30,000 for causing offence by his remarks to a female reporter during a press interview last year.

The FA boss was speaking after he apologised if any of them foreigners took the hump during a press interview when he said ‘Them Germans, them Blacks, them Jews, them Catalans, all the bloody same if you ask me’.

‘I know what it feels like now when people get offended by off the cuff remarks’ he said.

‘At least you Jocks are used to it,’ he added, ‘But I’m sorry, you can’t have your money back’.


Should we be concerned about Russia’s new ‘miracle’ weapon claims?

Military analysts in Western Plains have this week been digesting Vladimir Putin’s claims that Russia has developed a new generation of miracle weapon stories that are able to avoid detection by journalists using conventional means.

The announcement was greeted with scepticism in Washington where observers said that the miracle weapon claims were unlikely to be a match for anything manufactured by the State Department.

Analysts pointed to the small number of reports about civilian casualties in Afrin and the high number of reports about civilian casualties in Eastern Ghouta as evidence of the superiority complex currently enjoyed by Western News Agencies.

A spokesperson for the Pentagon said that the Turkish Air Force had been issued with the same miracle weapons used by the Allies in the Gulf War. These high tech missiles are able to instantly discriminate between active combatants and civilians, before blowing them all to bits, but in a caring and supportive sort of a way.

‘Unfortunately we haven’t yet developed a missile that’s able to discriminate between people who we think are on the other side and people who used to think we were on their side but we’re not really’ he said.

Football boss ordered to stop appearing at games wearing inappropriate symbols

The manager of Atletico Western Plains Jose Rigor Mortis has been ordered to desist forthwith from appearing at games wearing his trademark tracksuit emblazoned with traditional football insignia.

The tracksuit, which features trademarks for Bet 365, Barclays Bank, Emirates Airlines, Standard Chartered and Yokohama, is intended to give the impression that Atletico Western Plains are a bona fide football team.

However a spokesperson for Sky Broadcasting said ‘We have no problem with football trademarks, as long as they have been paid for. But we draw the line at old blokes in shell-suits pretending to be football coaches.’



Rigor Mortis pictured at training this morning



Who are the candidattii in the electionium?

The citizens of Rome go to the polls this week in an election dominated by a bitter debate about migration and the preservation of all that’s best about Roman culture. The Western Herald presents this brief guide to who the candidates want to deport and their favourite sword and sandal movies.

Silvio Publius Cornelius – Toga Partii
Career soldier Silvio has promised to halt the wave of invaders flooding across the Alps who he claims threaten Rome’s distinctive culture and language, not to mention its plans for complete world domination. Silvio has his own forum at http://www.carthagoestdelendum.wordpress. He has been accused of bribery and corruption which is sure to win him some votes in staunchly republican Rome.
Wants to deport: Carthaginians
Favourite movie: Gladiator

Silvio Borgisconi – Anti Ageing Partii
Former Prime Minister Borgisconi (84) is standing on a law and order platform and has promised to crack down hard on criminality. Unfortunately he cannot hold public office himself as he has been convicted of selling his soul to the devil and failing to disclose the proceeds to the tax office.
Wants to deport: Eskimos
Favourite movie: Dual of The Octogenarians

Silvio Garibaldi – Anti-Establishment Partii
Iconic figure on the political left, Garibaldi’s quest for power has taken him from South America to South Shields. Critics say he may literally have shot himself in the foot but supporters say he makes the best biscuits they’ve ever tasted. Visits to South Shields may count against him.
Wants to deport: Austrians.
Favourite movie: Conquest of the Hobnobs

Gina Lollobrigidum – Asti Spumanti Partii
Feminist candidate Lollobrigidum has a strange habit of referring to herself in the third person. Has said that if elected she will have a word with herself about it and we’ll see what we can do.
Wants to deport: Welsh
Favourite movie: Return of the Sex Goddess

Pope Alexander VI – Ante-Pasto Partii
Alexander has impeccable papal credentials having been accused of self-aggrandisement, libertinism, nepotism, despoliation and desecration, however dual citizenship of New Zealand may count against him.
Wants to deport: Methodists
Favourite movie: Saturday Night Fever (The Godfather surely? – ed)


Cheer-reader effect is real actually

Academic studies conducted by the Western Plains School of Social Media have confirmed the existence of a cheer-reader effect which makes stories appear more plausible when they are presented as part of a collection of academic studies rather than as yet another story about sheep.
In the experiment, residents of Western Plains were asked to compare an individual photograph of Ron Slutty with a photograph of a flock of sheep.  Regardless of gender, race, age, religion or intelligence, all participants in the study correctly identified Ron as the local MP, but none of them said they found him very appealing.
However, this does not mean that people in Western Plains find sheep attractive, or that  this academic study is in any way plausible. Researchers have said that to achieve that effect, you would need to be part of a larger group of sheep and [read more…]



A group of Ph.D students at Western Plains Skool of Social Media seen here doing some very vigorous research




Interview with NZ PM sparks outrage

There is anger on the streets of Western Plains thus morning over an Australian TV interview with New Zealand’s Prime Minister in which she was described as “attractive” and “the Prime Minister of New Zealand”.

It is believed to be the first time that the two phrases have been used in the same sentence.

Veteran reporter Charles Hardon said he was “smitten” by the PM and that meeting her in person for the first time he immediately had a very hard question for her.

“Would you like to see my election?” he asked “Well, you have now.”

The interview has been widely criticised in Western Plains where viewers had tuned in hoping to hear more from Ms Arden, who is 6 months pregnant, about her views on the contentious bi-lateral trade agreement between the two countries and what brand of drench she would recommend for sheep croup [click here for more stories about sheep]


Why it’s acceptable in some cultures to engage strippers on the most inappropriate occasions

Readers in Western Plains have been shocked this week by the revelation that in some cultures people are engaged to dance half naked at private rituals and public ceremonies.

The practice of stripping off is quite common in some cultures, but usually in warmer climes, or at Chinese funerals. So why are they doing it in Pyongchang in the middle of winter?

According to one theory, strippers are used to boost TV audiences for the Winter Olympics because the events are so feckin boring.  In fact it is quite common for children in Western Plains who have been caught by their parents watching the cross country tobogganing on TV to say they were just waiting for some bird in the ice dancing to get her tits out.

Another states it could be due to ‘worship of the meat and two veg’. In conservative Western Plains where it still isn’t socially acceptable for men to get dressed up in tight fitting rubber body suits unless they’re scuba divers or freemasons, watching the ice dancers in their lycra onsies may provide some welcome relief.

Another more practical theory says that hiring people to strip naked and carry round a flag pole may be a sign of wealth, but a poverty of ideas and [read Western Herald Guidelines on how often it is appropriate to run a story about strippers here]



Use of half naked people to boost tv audiences at polar games not so culturally inappropriate after all says Chinese funeral stripper