The Western Plains Weather Bureau has warned that the footy may be affected by showers forecast for some inland areas this weekend. People are advised to wrap up well and not to make any plans for Monday [read more…]
The member for Western Plains Ron Slutty has alleged that he was targeted in a scam while on holiday in New York.
Slutty says he ordered late night ‘room service’ from an on-line agency offering a double helping of tasty dishes for discerning gentlemen of taste and sophistication – as politicians on holidays will often do.
‘I was expecting to get a massage from two under-age African American boys’ says Slutty. ‘You can imagine my disappointment when an elderly Jewish lady turned up at my hotel room door with a double-decker pastrami on rye.’
A New York policeman refused to take Mr Slutty’s allegations seriously, saying officers in the city had ‘heard it all before’.
A recording has been released this morning of the dramatic moment when a Western Plains police officer realised he had shot his first member of the public.
According to the responding officer, he was minding his own business in someone else’s back yard when the owner made some cutting comments about his IQ and parentage which were completely uncalled for and quite hurtful really.
The officer immediately opened fire before trying other tactical options which clearly wouldn’t have worked as well as the bullets.
‘It was just one of those opportunities that most police never get,’ a press officer said. ‘I think all reasonable people will agree the actions were highly commendable.’
What the tapes reveal
Officer: I’ve got an [inaudible] here…..I’m concerned about his behaviour.
Operator: And have you established that you feel threatened to a significant degree such that you might have to deploy a range of tactical options which will probably not be as effective as resorting to the use of firearms?
Officer: Um…no….hang on…..sir, do you require assistance?
Man: Yes, I have a mental illness, you stupid bastard [loud bangs].
Officer: Man down… I think he’s been shot [more loud bangs]. Several times.
Operator: I’ll get the glasses…
Following the scenes of wanton destruction in the Indian sub-continent this week, we ask: why are millions of people still devoted to these so called Australian cricketers?
The answer is rather simple.
God-like figures such as Singh Warne, aka the Sultan of Spin, the Sheikh of Tweek and the Fat Twat on Tinder, appeal to people with empty meaningless lives. And there are plenty of them in Western Plains.
‘In remote Australia, far away from the main centres of religion, there are large numbers of people who worship legendary heroes such as Merv Hughes and David Boon,’ says Guru Sunil Shonki from the Eastern Plains 7/11 Ashram. ‘These are the people often described as the unbleevables.’
The unbleevables, the lowest caste in Australia, will stick by their heroes no matter what.
Whenever stories emerge about Singh Warne’s salacious private life, such as selling information to bookmakers, sending raunchy texts to his wife by mistake, or blaming his mother for giving him a banned substance, his followers will immediately go into a trance like state and begin to chant: ‘He’s one of our own. He’s kin unbleevable.’
She was just a normal little girl next door. But a chance encounter with Ron Slutty changed her life forever.
Western Plains least wanted ‘Ma’ Hanson has gone public about her transformation from a quiet, unassuming little girl who just loved cabbage patch dolls and my little pony into one of Australia’s most notorious robbers.
Hanson says she was raised in a very nice family in Western Plains where her father sold guns at the local youth club while her mother stayed home most days nursing her 13 children, two bottles of gin and a collection of rusty bed frames.
But Hanson admits that she had a secret that left her angry and resentful.
Like all their neighbours, the Hansons were honest.
Hanson didn’t dare to admit that she secretly wanted to steal money from other people.
“I knew I had to keep it to myself. My mother used to say to me:- I will never stop loving you except you better never come home with a thief… or an empty bottle,” says Hanson.
But a chance encounter with Ron Slutty, the newly elected member for Western Plains, opened Hanson’s eyes as to how she could steal money and get away with it.
Slutty explained how the system of entitlements for Australian MPs worked and [read more…]
By our Religious Affairs Correspondent, Nick Lucifer.
Western Plains faces yet another crisis of conscience as a steady stream of politicians who have been caught breaking the law swear on a stack of bibles that they didn’t know what they were doing was wrong.
So what do politicians in Western Plains actually think the bible tells us about right and wrong? Some of the most common biblical references quoted by Western Plains politicians are discussed below.
Thou shalt pay thy taxes: Platitudes 31
This is pretty straight forward. Tax evasion is a sin, but tax avoidance and tax minimisation are both OK in the eyes of the Lord.
Thou shalt eschew any conflict of interest: Book of Fustaigne
This is also pretty clear cut. Politicians will from time to time find themselves faced with a potential conflict that might be of interest, particularly to the media. These should be avoided. If you must get into a conflict, make sure it is of no interest to anyone.
Thou shalt disclose all donations to thy party and thyself in the members’ register of pecuniary interests: Book of Cosanostra
This is a bit of a ‘grey area’ and we need some context here. First of all, politicians get offered bribes all the time. And obviously some of them are hardly worth disclosing, such as a year’s free subscription to an upmarket satellite television service or a donation of $5000 from a boss of the mafia. Many politicians naturally assume that this is part of the parliamentary package. Secondly, ignorance is a very good excuse. I mean, how many people really know what pecuniary means? And thirdly, there is no such thing as ‘the mafia’ or an ‘upmarket’ satellite television service in Western Plains – so how can it be illegal not to disclose donations from organisations that don’t exist?
Thou shalt not steal: Range of Options
This is one of a number of ancient laws, some of which seem to make good sense (such as: thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ass) and others which the majority of us no longer keep (such as: thou shalt not imagine there is no difference between right and wrong). In this day and age to claim that stealing is always wrong is complete nonsense and just shows that you can’t afford a good accountant.
Thou shalt not commit naked pictures of thyself to the public: Sluttius
This is problematic but one that I think I can explain. The original story is about a young boy who was sent photographs of naked men by the local priest. It has long been associated in most people’s minds with biblical condemnation of clergymen having sex with underage boys. It is however actually a story about forgiveness. The priest visits the young boy (whom he calls his ‘little angel’) every Wednesday but then he goes to court where he flatly denies the whole thing and is promptly forgiven by the judge who visits his little angel on Fridays. Despite popular belief, the Bible has nothing to say about politicians from Western Plains posting naked pictures of themselves on the internet.
Just like unicorns and Australian politicians who haven’t submitted fraudulent expenses claims, Australian river horses are completely mythical creatures.
That’s the message from Kylie Fustaigne, Sous Ranger at Western Plains Aquatic Cafe.
She says the ‘river horses’ that many people have been sold are in fact baby crocodiles which might appear cute and cuddly at first, but which can quickly lose their appeal to families with young children.
Nevertheless Ms Fustaigne says there are many benefits to keeping a crocodile as a pet.
‘You’ve got yourself a pet that is appropriate to the Western Plains environment,’ she said, ‘As opposed to cats that can have have a devastating effect on native fauna, or dogs that disturb the neighbours by barking at all hours of the day and night.’
‘But,’ she added, ‘Just like a pet dog, a pet crocodile will be waiting to greet you at the front door when you get home from work.’