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Who are les candidates in le French election?

Everything you need to know about the people vying to become the next Prefȇt de Plaines de L’Ouest by our International Affairs Correspondent, Herman Le Hermit.

Jeanne D’Arc – Monarchiste Partie
Current front runner, outspoken maid from Plaines D’Orleans. Claims to receive policy advice from God but has latterly seen her campaign derailed by accusations of cross-dressing, heresy and blasphemy. Accuses her opponents of conducting a witch hunt against her – typical female politician.

Napoleon Fustaparte– Republiquen Partie
A career soldier, Fustaparte is the main hope of the French bourgoisie. Claims God asks him for policy advice.  A surprise winner in the preliminary rounds, and strong supporter of European Union under French control, he suffered a setback when he abandoned his army in Egypt, but he retains broad appeal among the voters. Capable of causing an upset.

Charles De Gaulloise – LGBT Partie
Eurosceptic and chain smoker De Gaulloise believes that a Frenchman’s home is his chateau. He wants Plaines de L’Ouest to follow the UK’s example, to leave the European Union, build nuclear bombs, then stock up on cigarettes and pôt-noodle and hope that things turn out for le best.

Marquis De Sade – S&M Partie
The former member of the aristocracy is standing on an austerity platform, calling for a program of belt-tightening, squirrel-gripping, nipple-twisting and an interventionist dogging policy. His campaign has been noteworthy for his economic liberalism, his Catholic faith, his literal approach to whipping up support and his pained expression when he sits down. De Sade’s support for gay marriage may count against him but not as much as his support for Les Hotspurs de Plaines de L’Ouest. Like De Gaulloise, has sent nude pictures of himself to supporters.

Jeanne Oeuf Quennidie – Democratique Socialiste Partie
The main hope of the moderate left and the extreme optimists, socialist firebrand Quennidie does not mince her words. She once famously described an opponent as ‘a bit of a silly saucisse’. Hugely critical of the European Union calling it ‘a smidge unfair sometimes’.

Simone de Faustoire – Feministe Partie
The feministe candidate stands on the political left, proposes French withdrawal from NATO, joining the Warsaw Pact, bringing back the guillotine for people who jump the queue in the supermarche and restoring French people’s fundamental right to smoke in restaurants […click here for more candidates]

Legendary actress Catherine Deneuve enjoys a cigarette at the photocall for the French film

French voters will go to the polls this week in what is seen as a test of people’s tolerance for cigarette smoke


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