Home » History » On this day in history: the Confusion of the Disunited Kingdoms

On this day in history: the Confusion of the Disunited Kingdoms

The year was umteenseventy, give or take, and the Kingdom of Boakland was facing a difficult choice. Locked out of the lucrative international trade in cigarettes and choaklit biscuits, the national economy had stagnated and shrunk. The phrase ‘negative equity’ had not been invented in those days so people just had to settle for being ‘skint’. Many were reduced to living on a subsistence diet of haggis, stale shortbread and even staler poetry.
Round about this time, give or take, the Kingdom’s neighbours offered to bail them out. The quid pro quo was that merchants from each country would be allowed access to each others’ markets, and to regulate trade a new body would be established to make the rules for everybody.
There was some nervousness about this proposal, especially among people in the National Kirk who actually liked living on a diet of haggis, shortbread and stale poetry. Opinion divided into two distinct groups: those against the common market unless they received a bribe; and those against the common market unless they were allowed to retain their religious beliefs, ie the sanctity of haggis, shortbread etc etc.
And so it was agreed and the people’s bank balances flourished even if their health took a bit of a turn for the worse what with all they cigarettes and choaklit biscuits.
This worked fine for a while but then the National Kirk itself divided in a split known as the ‘Great Schism’. The underlying reasons for the split are very complex but essentially the dispute was between those in the Kirk who wanted to have their shortbread and eat it, and those in the Kirk who wanted to have their choaklit and eat it.

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