By Crabbit McScunner, President of the Western Plains Caledonian Society.
Scientists have recently made the exciting discovery that dinosaurs may have originated in Scotland based on the following chronology:
Hogmanay Traditional date of the founding of Scotland.
4000 BC Last dinosaur in Scotland shot near Wanlockhead.
3000 BC Thankerton Man makes first recorded use of sand and gravel as building materials. However it’s not until the invention of cement nearly 5000 years later that his idea really catches on.
2000 BC Hebrides, the blind Greek explorer, discovers chain of islands in North Atlantic. Completely misses Britain.
1000 BC First invented history recorded in Scotland. Although no evidence exists to support this claim, there’s no evidence to disprove it either.
70 AD Julius Agricola campaigns in the Grampians – and achieves lasting fame with his smash hit, ‘Roman in the Gloamin’.
400 AD Anglo-Saxon mercenaries from Germany arrive in Kent. Within a generation, all the Britons feckin hate them.
800 AD Sack of Lindisfarne by Vikings gives Scots taste of what to expect from Scandinavians on 18-30 Holidays.
1066 AD Guillaume ‘Le Bâtard’, Duke of Normandy victorious at the Battle of Hastings. Scottish historians later give him a title more in keeping with his regal status, King William, ‘The Bastard’.
1314 AD Sheltering in a cave, Robert Bruce is encouraged in his efforts to claim the Scottish throne while watching a spider build a web – the start of the Scots’ tradition of spending their holidays in cold dark rooms staring out at the rain.
1329 AD In accordance with Bruce’s dying wish that his heart be carried to the Holy Land, Lord Douglas goes on Crusade, but only gets as far as the Algarve – not the last time a group of Scots would go to the Iberian Peninsula and get absolutely feckin hammered.
1545 AD Mary of Boghall becomes Scotland’s first Fleming Queen. Her son James VI of Scotland becomes James I of Great Britain, and a Flaming Queen.
1566 AD John Knox and his army of Covenanters defeat the Fleming Queen at the Battle of Pinkietoes. Many people attempting to flee are shot in the Ayrshire region.
1745 AD Bonnie Prince Charlie lands in Scotland with the Seven Men of Murdert, a crate of Buckfast and a silver casket of pâte de foie gras. Locals drink Buckfast, swear allegiance to the Jacobite cause and give the pâte to the dug.
1960 AD Battle of the Boyne: William of Orange gets into a fight in a pub with Ronnie Kray after he calls him ‘a fat poof’.
1970 AD First episode of Taggart broadcast on STV.
1981 AD Family of dinosaurs found alive and well near Wanlockhead