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Why Western Plains politicians find it hard to say the right thing

The language of Western Plains politics can be confusing. Its meanings are unclear, its colloquialisms are confusing and its rules are not always applied consistently. To help clarify the issues, John Fustaigne has compiled this guide for those seeking a better understanding of Western Plains political terminology without inadvertently offending people who are just galahs.
1. What is a ‘rort’?
Part of the problem is that there are so many different ways to describe it. Poor people fraudulently claiming the dole is a rort. Western Plains politicians (‘pollies’) fraudulently claiming living-away-from-home expenses while living in Western Plains is just an unfortunate misunderstanding.
2. What is a ‘galah’?
A galah is a foolish bird, native to Western Plains. Sending a government helicopter to pick up your pet galah is a rort. Blaming the galah for not knowing the rules makes you a galah.
3. Why do some people find the phrase ‘rort’ offensive?
Rort is a vulgar expression used by common people who have difficulty telling the difference between causing offence and committing an offence, eg ‘I never committed no rort – and I would have got away with it too if it wasn’t for all those immigrants in the Audit Department’.
4. Why is it so important to use the correct adverb?
Adverbs are useful in clarifying what we mean. Take the adverb ‘not’ for example. A sentence like: ‘When you said that I had to declare all my investments, I did not know that I had to declare all my investments’ may mean exactly the opposite to a pollie whether he includes the adverb ‘not’ or not.
5. What is a two-faced bastard?
A two-faced bastard is someone who makes a personal fortune ripping off the members of an organisation whose interests he was elected to protect – and then sacks other people for attempting to do same thing (see also Ministers, Prime, Turnbull, Malcolm).
6. What is ‘referendumb blaming’?
‘Referendumb blaming’ is where a politician blames the outcome of a plebiscite on stupid people not understanding the question (eg ‘Should we become a republic, do you want to replace the unelected head of state with another unelected head of state, and what kind of mugs do you take us for?’)
7. Why is the term ‘pollie” offensive?
Using the term ‘pollie’ to refer to a politician should be avoided. In polite Western Plains company, the term ‘cheatin mongrel bastards’ is preferred.
8. Why is it always a good excuse to blame ignorance?
Many people will often attempt to blame their indiscretions on ignorance of the law. ‘Everyone was doing it’ or ‘Does anyone really know the difference between right and wrong anyway’ are typical comments of Western Plains politicians who get caught [read more….]

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