Home » Humor » Defectors Reveal Harsh Reality of Life Behind Bars at Western Plains Zoo

Defectors Reveal Harsh Reality of Life Behind Bars at Western Plains Zoo

A group of workers who earlier this year defected from Western Plains Zoo and Brasserie (BYO only) say they have no regrets about their decision. I caught up with spokesperson, Mr Alvin Toenail who provided me with this insight into what his life was like before he sought asylum in the Oriental Palace.


‘The Zoo used to turn into absolute mayhem at feeding time,’ says Mr Toenail. ‘There were people who would eat almost anything – as long as it wasn’t a vegetable.



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Under Western Plains draconian regime, everyone between the ages of 12 and 62 was required to carry an electronic monitoring device which they had to use to record their movements during the day, including details of who they met up with, how lovely they looked, and most importantly, what they were eating at the time says Alvin



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According to Alvin, in the original design for the zoo the toilets were located near the top, but then someone suggested they should be closer to the bottom.


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A Western Plains ‘dinner lady’. ‘I remember when I was younger thinking how hot they used to look, especially in their uniforms,’ says Alvin


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‘Do you know why the Zoo looks so beautiful at night? Because zoo officials turn the lights off,’ explains Alvin


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‘The Grand Hotel is the most hideous building in Western Plains,’ says Alvin. ‘The rumour is that the original hotel had 6 floors but due to a shortage of building materials, floors 4 and 5 got left out and had to be added sometime in the eighties.’


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‘Having a private jet used to be the preserve of the rich. Now everyone in Australia has one,’ says Alvin (just check this – ed) 


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Women in Western Plains are treated very badly, says Alvin. ‘They have to take part in regular bouts of binge drinking, projectile vomiting and other social activities, although since the introduction of sheep in the nineteenth century, their lives have improved immeasurably.’


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‘This is a mobile spreader of fertiliser,’ says Alvin ‘Most of it is manufactured by the South Korean Spy Agency and then spread by The Guardian.’




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