No 10: Sunset Song, disappointing remake of Scottish classic. Girl meets boy, First World War breaks out, girl loses boy. The end. No good songs in it at all.
No 9 War and Peace, disappointing remake of Russian classic. Girl meets boy, Franco-Russian War breaks out, Napoleon meets his Waterloo. The end.
No 8 The Magnificent Seven, disappointing remake of Mexican classic. Girl meets boy, drugs war breaks out, boy builds giant wall, the end of all America’s problems.
No 7 Star Trek – The Next Generation, disappointing remake of sci-fi classic. Girl meets borg, they engage, Star Wars breaks out. No end of franchise in sight.
No 6 Apocalypse Now, disappointing remake of Polish classic. Boy meets Charlie, Vietnam War breaks out, boy kills Charlie. ‘The End’….by The Doors.
No 5 Casablanca, disappointing remake of Moroccan classic. You must remember this. A girl walks into a bar, Second World War breaks out. Time goes by. The end.
No 4 Braveheart, disappointing remake of Australian classic. Girl meets boy, Scottish War of Independence breaks out, boy meets grisly end.
No 3 Zulu, disappointing remake of South African classic. Boys go on camping trip hoping for authentic cultural tourism experience but instead Zulu Warriors break out. Boys meet pointy end.
No 2 Casanova, disappointing remake of Italian classic. Boy meets several girls and gets away his end. A worrying rash breaks out.
No 1 The Greatest Story Ever Told, disappointing resurrection of Roman Cathlic. Girl meets 13 boys, Judean Revolt breaks out, but in a surprise ending, one of the boys achieves divine immortality.