The University of Western Plains (UWP) Unsporting Terminology Guide states it is ‘well known’ that everybody is against Australia. Consequently athletes who lose are being encouraged to avoid phrases such as ‘some decisions went against me today’ or ‘it just wasn’t my day’, and instead to use the phrase ‘the umpire was as biased as shit’.
UWP says it does not mandate what language can and cannot be used, but it does instruct athletes to avoid completely the word ‘congratulations’ because of its connotations of fair play and sporting behaviour.
The UWP guide suggests that rather than using the slightly racist and anachronistic term ‘Poms’ when referring to English cricketers, Australians should instead use the neutral term, ‘cheating mongrel bastards’.
Radio host Alan Jones welcomed the UWP report: ‘I have been involved in Australian sport for the best part of forty years,’ he said, ‘And during that entire time I have never known an Australian team to be beaten on merit’.
In an related development, Australian bureaucrats have been instructed not to refer to New Zealanders as ‘Kiwis’ in order to avoid giving offence and instead to use the term ‘behaviourally challenged non-residents’. They have also been instructed to say ‘irregular maritime arrivals’ rather than ‘refugees’, to avoid implying that Australia has any obligations under international law.