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What You Didn’t Know About Beatrix Potter

Startling new evidence has emerged that popular children’s author Beatrix Potter may have been a liar and a fraud.

For many years, most people have accepted as literally true Potter’s stories about mice wearing waistcoats, rabbits smoking pipes and various animals carrying on successful retail businesses.  However the headmaster at Western Plains Community College and Smash Repair Shop has alleged this week that the stories may have contained other meanings. This shocking and disturbing discovery has led critics to review the author’s works, some of which are reproduced below, for signs of hidden adult themes.

 TALES FROM SUNNYFARM WARREN

Once upon a time there were three little rabbits called Flopsy, Mopsy and Cotton-tail who all lived together at Sunnyfarm Warren in a ménage-a-trois which was unusual even for rabbits. Flopsy was bi-curious, Mopsy was a cross-dresser and Cotton-tail wasn’t sure if he was a rabbit at all. All day long they’d be going at it like bunnies and [….]

 HAPPY DAYS AT THE OLD MILL

‘Good morning’ said Mother Badger to her daughter Bethina as she entered the kitchen.

‘What’s so feckin good about it?’ snapped Bethina. ‘People are starving in the world, I hate my hair and what’s this disgusting crap you’ve made for my breakfast? I’m leaving just as soon as [….]

 JEMIMA FUDDLEDUCK GOES TO TOWN

Every day, just as the sun was setting in the west, Jemima Fuddleduck would wander down the familiar old winding streets of Frambleton-Under-Wold’s red-light district where she was a street waddler specialising in fowl-play, water-sports and [….] 

THE NAUGHTY SQUIRRELS

Betsy Bushytail was busy scrubbing pots in her kitchen dreaming of the day when female squirrels would rebel against the bourgeois values and gender stereotypes of late 20th century England, when suddenly her husband Nutkin came up behind her and grabbed her in a firm squirrely grip.

‘Get buckin off me or I’ll cut your buckin nuts off’, she laughed.

‘You know you like it’, he snorted. ‘Now fix my tea, doe’, he replied.

‘Fix it yourself, buckwit’ she retorted. ‘I’m off to my Empowered Does Yoga Class’

‘Where’s my feckin crack pipe then?’ said Nutkin [….]

 

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