I am shocked and disgusted that M15 have recently announced that they have been unable to find any evidence of my existence.
Despite my claims that I am one of Australia’s most endearing and least read writers, MI5 believe that I am not a writer at all and that I am just a play-actor whose real name might just as well be Charlie Chaplin.
My own records show that I was born sometime between 1.00 am and 4.00 am on a hot August night when everyone else was asleep and there wasn’t much on the telly.
And yet MI5 claim to have found no record of my birth anywhere, nor anything to suggest that I am anything other than a figment of some sad bastard’s imagination.
MI5 have conceded that it’s not unusual for the existence of blogger like myself to remain completely unknown.
‘Basically no-one is interested in the ravings of a lunatic’, said Buster Keaton, Professor of Blogging and Tweeting at the Wordsmithsonian Institute.
I understand that MI5 agents were asked earlier this year to investigate my blog following complaints by people who believed I should be silenced.
However the recently released documents show that no one has ever read a blog by anyone called Fustaigne and further inquiries into the content of myblog suggest that no-one is likely to read it in future either.
‘We can find no evidence that Fustaigne’s blog is in any way of interest,’ MI5 have said.
‘However, we cannot rule out the possibility that he is using some other alias in an attempt to win over readers to his uninteresting views’.
‘We are also concerned about unconfirmed reports which suggest Fustaigne is living in a trailer park on the outskirts of Western Plains and that he is being protected by other members of what is refererred to as the blogging community’.
‘Although there’s no proof that John Fustaigne exists, we cannot prove that he doesn’t exist either and until such times as we gather more evidence, we recommend that members of the public exercise extreme caution and avoid reading his blog altogether.’